French press coffee. Undone essay. The new slippers.

I'm starting to realize that this - my life, right now, exactly the way it is - is something to celebrate. There are things that make me feel sad, of course, this is life, not everything will be happy. Sometimes I will feel lonely, unsatisfied, unwanted, awkward, under-qualified, tongue tied, or simply like I have been dumped into a life that someone else seems to have created and I am now here stuck living. But there will always be love, even if I cannot always see it. I have so many people in my life who respect me, who love me, and who affirm me. I have things I might do differently if I got to relive days with the knowledge I now have, but that is very normal.

I heard the other day that there are literally people eating mud pies in the world right now. Talk about a shock into reality. Here I am worrying about eating too much, about relationships, feelings, worrying about how skinny I am (or am not), and there are people on the same planet who will die of malnutrition. Of course, this needs to be taken with a realistic point of view; of course if I stop eating it will not bring them food, but it did make me stop and think about how small and insignificant my problems are.

This brings up something else...how I feel so compelled to make such a big difference in the world. I want to die with a legacy, with people knowing what I've done. Incredibly selfish and arrogant, I know, but true. I want to make a big difference because I care about the people it will impact, because I think that I am here to leave the world a bit of a better place, but also because I want some sort of recognition for myself. How disgusting.

I don't know....I'm done my coffee now and should really go attempt to edit the fricking hellish essay that has been plaguing me for months.

Tell me lies, lies, lies. Sweet little lies when I cannot bear the truth. Tell me lies, lies, lies. Sweet little lies. Help me make them all come true.
*Michael Franti and Spearhead

Go listen to Michael Franti's newest album.

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I miss summer. When things felt easy, when it was warm, when I was warm.

All I want is to be wanted. For some reason I have this constant urge to feel needed. I want a fairytale life and I spend too much time creating one in my head....with elaborate plans of a prince flying in at the last minute, when I had just given up hope, sweeping me off my feet, lightly kissing my face, and riding off together into the sunset. That sounds super cliche, and obviously this isn't actually what I conjure up in my mind, but it may as well be. I come up with infinite reasons not to get that call....or text......or email. I wonder what I did. And the stupid thing is, the more I ever think about boys that I like(d), is that I realize how terrible we would be for each other. I just want someone who will come and hold me. And cuddle me. I wish there was someone who just loved me....all of my weirdness and everything. He doesn't need to understand me, because how can I expect (or even want) that when I don't even understand myself. I just want someone who loves me....

Even though I didn't even really like him, my heart feels like some sort of mushy liquid, dripping down in between my ribs and seeping into my feet. I really have no idea how this goes, do I? I feel cheap.

I don't know what I want, so don't ask me. Because I'm still trying to figure it out. I don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking, trying to see through the rain coming down. Even though I'm not the only one who feels the way I do, I'm alone.
ts*

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fudge.

I wish that sometimes things just worked out for me...that they were the way I say them in my mind's eye. Although I love my life...there are things I would like to change about it. and although there is so much love in my life, I so often feel something missing. This could just be me, being melodramatic, as per usual...but maybe it's slightly right. Christmas this year feels so different. I think it's because I'm beginning to open my eyes to the bad things around me...and as much as I would love to shut the window that has been opened, I know that I cannot. I'm realizing brokenness, when I used to see Christmas as a time when all were complete, I see more and more poverty and hunger, when, as a child, I thought it was the norm to have a big turkey on the table. I recognize loneliness...and I don't know how to deal with it and it scares me, because all I've ever known is a warm house, with supportive parents, siblings who are my best friends, and enough love to make my heart burst. I hate being cynical, but my faith in this world is slowly diminishing. Of course there is love...there will always be love. And as long as there is love, there will be hope, and faith. As long as we hope, we will find beauty. Marianne Williamson writes that the only reality is love...that anything else is simply a figment of our imagination (dare I compare this to samsara??). That evil, hate, bitterness, fear, these are all fictional things we, as humans, have created to fill the void that needs to be filled with love.

Thank you. Whoever you are. I believe that we all change each other...every person you ever interact with, you have changed, and will change. So thank you for changing me. Sometimes I don't want to, but I will.

I don't know what I want out of life...I don't know who I want to be, or what I want to do...I'm not sure where I fit, I don't know if I have friends, I'm so scared to let people down.

It occured to me last night, while sipping tea with one life-long friend, and another who feels just as close, that the chances we will remain friends throughout our lives is slim. They had both been away for the past semester, and it felt almost...wrong...to be casually spending time with them. Not wrong, but somehow...I'm not sure how to explain it, out of character??? I'm sure it was partly because it was the first time we had seen each other in so many months, but it was strange to think that in five, ten, twenty years, we might not even be emailing each other any more. It's a strange thought that someone who has influenced me so much, who has held me as I cried, who has cried with me, someone who I sing with loudly, whose hand I have held while we attacked life together may not be there holding my hand when I'm fifty.

But I think I'm also beginning to see how that's okay. How life goes on, and although I do not want it to overcome me, I know it is important to accept certain things and not dwell on them.

I love you, whoever you are. Please know that.

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave. You were what I wanted, I gave what I gave. I'm not sorry I met you, I'm not sorry it's over, I'm not sorry there's nothing to say.
stars*

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There are these groups that you can join, on a particular popular social network which will remain unnamed, where people vote for the prettiest girl. What is wrong with the world? There is so much more than what is on the outside....why do we feel constant need for affirmation that we are beautiful? When did this become a competition? Why can't we all just be beautiful, in our own way.

I just want to hug all of those beautiful Beautiful girls and tell them that they don't need that pressure. All they need to live up to is their own standards. I wish they knew that it doesn't matter what others say. If you can't be true to yourself, how are you ever going to be true to someone else?

When you see my face/I hope that you don't laugh/I'm not a film star beauty/I'll send a photograph/I hope that you don't laugh stars*

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the new grey skirt...

somehow I consistently manage to make the same mistakes in my life over. and over. and over again. I trust too much, or not enough. I plunge myself into the wrong things.....it seems like this is just a part of me. Maybe I should work at changing it, or perhaps it is better - for me, right now - to simply accept it and love it.

I am realizing that in order for so many things to start in my life, things that I almost desperately want to happen, I must learn who I am. Before I can feel some solidity in where I want my life to go I must accept who I am...not define it, because everyone is constantly changing and shifting and being influenced in the moment, but to realize what I like and what I don't like...to maybe just feel more confident in telling people who this person is....or in saying that I do not know who I am, but in telling people what I do know.

What do I know?

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barricade

What an interesting life I have....it's so normal, but often feels so complex. (oh how could anyone not want to rip it all apart/oh how could anyone not love your cold black heart). I think more and more I'm starting to actually believe that sometimes, sometimes, you can just let yourself experience things...that I do not need (there's only darkness at the finish/meet me at the barricade/I'll be at the barricade) to be in control of everything in my life. (the love died but the hate can't fade) I think...I hope that I am slowly learning to just let myself see things as they really are. To let myself see me as I really am. Maybe. Maybe for a moment, or a day, or an hour, maybe I feel so fully like myself, I just smile. I am starting to realize what I actually like doing...and perhaps this is the beginning of a very long journey to figuring out where I want my life to go, and it is a step on the path I began eighteen years ago to defining who I am.

I love to dance. Baths. I love drinking wine. Spending time with friends. I hate clubs. I love woolen socks. Clean rooms. Dirty rooms. Art........(in its entirety...music, paintings, photographs, fashion, sculptures....). I love helping people and I love to play in the rain. I love to scream and laugh.

I don't feel like doing that anymore. I want so much for myself that often I begin to focus so much on this that I forget to see others for who they really are, and what they need in their lives. The values of society have so corrupted our thinking that we always need more. Christmas disgusts me. The way it has transformed from a holiday of love to a holiday of unnecessary consumerism and selfishness and greediness. All I want to know is when the season of hope, of love, and peace became filled with hate and stress and suicide.

Why can't the ending be happy? Why must it always resolve this way? -Stars

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loud stomachs and the happy angel

Mmmmm here I am on the floor in my undies and a big shirt and I feel so incredibly content. Perhaps it is the absence of school in my life...or possibly the return of friendship, or the beginning of something new?? I do not know, and I do not need to know. This is something I'm learning...or maybe teaching myself. It seems that either my heart knows it and is trying to teach my head or maybe my head knows it and is trying to teach my heart. I get them mixed up much too often.

Even though there is so much to be done....before Christmas, before school starts, before tomorrow evening, before Monday,

it can wait.

It will still be there in a few minutes, or hours, or....days?

Today I learned about 'Love Language'. It's an interesting concept. Now I really want to know what mine is! I wonder if I can take a quiz...ha. If you do not know about it, look it up! It will be an adventure, I promise.

The dryer is going and I hear my whites tumbling with the little blue balls whose purpose I have momentarily forgotten.

I don't know where the sunbeams end and the starlight begins. It's all a mystery.
-Flaming Lips

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old pajamas and tired eyes

I do my thing

You do yours

I am not in this world

to live up to your expectations

And you are not in this world

to live up to my expectations

I am just myself and

You are just yourself

If by chance we should find each other

That is

A beautiful thing.

-Uncited

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twelvethirtyeightehem

It's strange...my attitude toward school. I want so badly to feel motivated and driven, but I just don't. I need a goal, I have no clue what I'm working toward anymore. I can't use marks as my motivation because they are a monster to me now. I hate how competitive I am. I am trying so hard to just love life...but it's still hard sometimes. I still sometimes just want to SCREEEEEEEAM. I am not sure how much longer I can deal with this. The idea that there is so much out there...and I can do anything....scares the hell out of me. I do not want to become one of those people who just does what is easy...I want to do things that are hard. I want to be challenged, I want to grow and change and build myself. I want to experience...things. Experience silence, connection, love, ......

I have started wondering how much of what I claim to be "me" is actually just something I have stated to be me...but really isn't. How much of it have I just been too stubborn to let go of. When did I stop being sure I wanted to be a teacher? When did I convince myself that certain things were important to me...why am I so concerned about certain things....And I think maybe this reality is where my fear and uncertainty begins. I feel such a need to be accepted by certain people. I will go to any lengths to create myself to fit into the mold that they have for me even though I hate the way it looks and it doesn't fit right.



....so listen up the sun hasn't set, I refuse to believe that it's only me feeling....I'm a slow motion accident lost in coffee rings and fingerprints I don't want to feel anything but I do.... -ff

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heureuse.

This weekend my sister and I went outside at about one in the morning and made snow angels in the fresh snow on other people's driveways. There's something almost sacred about being the first one in the snow....We spend an entire half hour walking around and didn't see one car. It was so lovely. I'm beginning to love these everyday moments, and this life that I seem to be living...even though it still feels foreign and wrong. It feels so good to allow myself to be happy. I think that really was the problem...I wasn't letting myself be happy. I created a happy facade that I was content to hide behind, where it felt comfortable and safe to be unhappy...like it was my little secret, but it doesn't have to be. I don't need to hold that secret. If I'm unhappy...I can be unhappy...and if I'm happy, I should be HAPPY.

I am feeling so calm and almost at peace with university right now. I actually am thinking I might come back next year....it's strange. I am no longer letting it take hold of me, I control the way I feel about it. It feels wonderful. I'm starting to make connections with people and enjoy the process of learning, and to appreciate where I am. Christmas break is so soon and I am beyond excited to see everyone...but also kind of scared. I want things to go so well and I have such a perfect, beautiful picture in my mind of what my Christmas break and time with friends will look like...but I need to keep in mind that it will be wonderful no matter what happens.

**thank you for the journey to this new day** (xr)

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ill fitting grey sweater

This is a quote by Dawna Markova. But I want to make it my own promise. To myself and to the world.

I will not die an unlived life.

I will not live in fear of failing or catching fire.

I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to OPEN me, to make me less afraid, more accessible,
to LOOSEN my heart until it becomes

a wing
a torch
a promise

I choose to RISK MY SIGNIFICANCE
to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom
and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit.

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dixon. ticonderoga. woodgrain. 1388-2. SOFT.

It sometimes astounds me how many things I wish could replay in my life so that I could do them over again. Either to change how I acted or to just live and be that happy again, to trust someone again, to trust myself...How is it that in my short life I can have so many...regrets?...I hate that word. It's not that I regret these things, it's just that, looking back on my life just sometimes makes me feel empty. I am sad that I quit dance, because I truly feel that it could have been a passion for me. I feel empty because I had so many expectations for graduation, and for summer, that did not pan out in any way shape or form. I think I get into this mindset that my life will one day turn into a movie and things will be lovely and I'll laugh with my friends and my hair will blow in the wind and the sun will always be out; but that day is not coming. And I seriously need to come to terms with that...

I feel like, rather than helping me "find" myself, university has separated me even more.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

One moment I feel the urge to go help dying children and the next I want to get my psychology doctorate and have a beautifully extravagant house, the next I want to quit university here and now and go live in the bush. I don't even know what I want to teach or if I want to teach or what I truly believe about education. I feel the need to know where (generally) my life is going, and I haven't the slightest clue. I thought I knew who I was, and now I am learning there is so much more to me, and so much that I was wrong about. I do not understand myself and I just feel like the world is pulling me and screaming at me, wanting more More MORE. And I don't know where to put it. I just don't know. I don't know where to get involved, so I just don't get involved. I feel overwhelmed with homework, so I procrastinate. There are too many people I feel I need to keep in touch with, so I just don't keep in touch with anyone.

I was reading today about a class for students in grade twelve that helped them make the transition from adolescence to adulthood. My Lord I need(ed) something like that. I want something like that so much. I need a support group where I can cry, and be hugged, and kissed and I need somewhere where it's okay not to have the answer. And it's okay to stop looking for it. I started tearing up when I was reading that...not only because it was so beautiful, but because reading about those kids made me want to make a difference like that, and made me so incredibly jealous at the same time. It seems so natural and such an obvious thing to do, that I wonder why a group like that is not available to any teenager dealing with growing up (um, EVERYONE). Why is it that so many of us spend nights tucked away, alone, crying. Why do we delight in familiarity? What is so bad about just wanting to spend all weekend at home with your parents because you miss them so so much during the week? Why am I not ready for this? What's wrong with me? How do I do this. How do I come out of it. What am I supposed to tell myself to make myself believe that this is 'normal'. Where is the reason in this. The justice? I feel lost and alone and lonely. Scared. SAD. I feel like the beautiful world I worked so hard to build around myself, the personality that was well knit and well rounded have been washed away.

Everything is so fragile. Why am I not stronger?

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white and red flashing lights

there were an unusually large amount of sirens in the neighbourhood tonight. and it made me worry about the three little boys that came to climb our roof this afternoon. it made me hope and pray that they are all safe at home, tucked into bed with a kiss, a bedtime story, and a night snack. but the harsh knowledge of the likelihood that my prayers are presently being answered also burns in my heart. I want so much for them, and for all the kids in my neighbourhood...and beyond. there is so much there inside of children...so much more than there is in me. more life, more wonder, more excitement, more imagination. perhaps the path to death is just simply a slow process of emptying. and then refilling. and death comes once you have learned enough to be full once again.

today, talking to these boys brought back strong feelings and memories of volunteering for a day at pritchard place, a drop in centre for children in the north end. it seems so close to my heart, whether it is because i grew up so close to here or for some other reason. all I want to do is give my love out. i remember reading the glass castle and teaching those boys about climbing roofs reminded me of the parenting method that was so clearly evident in that book.

i love living here. experiencing so many things that are new to me; talking to the lady at the MCC store about the other second hand shops in the area, talking to the old lady there about how she knows my old neighbours from steinbach, seeing a little boy riding his bike by himself, meeting a friendly man, watching a young mother show her baby son a singing stuffed animal, breathing in the air that has become such a comfort, seeing a crazy stray dog chase bicyclers (ok, i admit that one freaked me out a bit more than it made me smile), reading at my desk, biking past all the 'renovations by timbuck 2' signs, smelling perth's as i ride past...there are so many things that are becoming a part of my daily routine that are so beautiful.

'dream big dreams'.........

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A night without end

This is going to sound depressing...but I guess it kind of is. I often get these feelings of emptiness. That I am entirely alone and that nothing I can do and nothing anyone else can say will ever make that go away. It's a feeling I would describe with the colour black. An absence of light...an unending abyss of nothingness. At times like these I will look in the mirror and see absolutely nothing, and feel nothing. It is not that I am angry...because I'm not, or that I'm happy. I am simply existing...and I suppose for me, existing as a machine has never been, and will never be good enough.

I had a moment like this last night. We had just got home from readymix and I felt completely meaningless. It's such a low...because I believe that everyone is connected...that if you go to the very very depths of every human being, we are all one. So a feeling like this seems unnatural and ignorant to me - but it happens to me often, particularly when I'm going through a change. I know that I think about and contemplate things a lot more than many people my age, and that's what my parents often diagnose this feeling of lonliness or nothingness as...but I don't think that's correct. I think it's simply giving in to what constantly pushes on the edges of my consciousness...for a few moments...the possibility that we are not here for a reason. That there is nothing more than taking in oxygen and putting out carbon dioxide. Although I very strongly do NOT believe this, I know that it is one of the endless possibilities that could be true of existence. And maybe it scares me a little bit.

I know that others feel empty sometimes too...and maybe it is our emptiness...the feeling of a lack of connection...that truly connects us. Perhaps the real meaning in life is realizing that there is no meaning. I don't know...I don't really think that...at all...but...yeah. There has to be something more...but I just don't know what it is...but what do I know anyways, I'm just a little kid.

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vibrations on a namebrand mousepad

well here I am...an official university student, sitting at an ancient computer in the library...it's kind of weird. I've been feeling so many different things these past few days; confusion - about whether or not this is really where I want to be...not only in university, but which program I'm in, and if I am being the person that I want to be. I have felt anger - at myself for not embracing the experience to its fullest potential, at others becuase they can't read my mind...I have been sad - because I find new beginning difficult, and I want to be myself and be unafraid to show the world and everyone in it who that is, but I still struggle with it every minute of every day. Because I'm still attempting to figure out who exactly it is I want to show the world. I have been tired and stressed and worried that I don't fit in - at university or with the people in my house.

I suppose these are all very normal feelings to have, particularly at this point in my life, where so much is ending and even more is starting to bloom. But they do get overwhelming from time to time. I am worried that I will get caught up in this new 'university' lifestyle that I will cease to continue contact with my friends who are not within a ten minute bike ride of my house. I am scared that my relationship with my sister may suffer from the distance, and I am worried that her spending her last few years at home, which are crucial to the forming of the personality, may be tainted because I am not there to guide her through things that our parents seem to have pegged as taboos. I just sometimes wish that parents would be more honest with themselves and their children...

I guess a lot of people just need to stop denying things to themselves and dive into the depths of the unknown. I just read an English assignment that talked about how, when we finally surrender to ourselves, when we allow ourselves just to trust, this is when we begin to understand the vastness of our knowledge and wisdom...just food for thought.

Now I'm going to get free food for my tummy...because with becoming an official university student comes becoming an official poor university student who takes any free food possible. :D

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one for the money, two for the show...

Well it's been a while since I've felt this introspective...and because of that, and because summer is quickly drawing to a close, I decided that it was a good time to start doing this whole thing again. So here we go...life is so short and people don't do enough with it. Like...I guess growing up and just realizing that literally ANYTHING can be done has made me come to the conclusion that so many people are not getting as much out of life as they could. That they have yet to reach their full potential, or to find their true passion, or love, or happiness. I think so many people get caught up doing what's "normal" that they forget to think about what they truly want. It's scary sometimes...thinking about how I may end up in the town I grew up in, teaching at a school that I went to, teaching my former classmate's children. Thinking about this makes me want to run away, just to leave for a while, so that I know that it's possible and probable and that the world is accessible to me. To remind myself that 'the earth delights to feel my bare feet and the wind longs to play with my hair' (kahlil gibran).

I have been realizing, more than usual lately, how many wonderful people I have in my life. I actually was getting fed up with it the other day because I thought I had too many friends and I feel like I am constantly letting people down; that I DON'T do things with people more often than I do do things with them. It's a wonderful thing to be stressed about...but it does provide me with a fair bit of stress. Anyways...that's not exactly what I meant by the opening sentence of this paragraph. I wanted to comment on the people who inspire me, who encourage me. I am incredibly blessed to have grown up surrounded by a community of people who love and support me and who respect my views and just...aaaaah, everything. Graduating, and getting older, and being introspective have also helped me to see how certain people have helped shape different parts of my personality and who I am today. It's crazy how just one little decision, a few words so many years ago, one hug, an email, or you know, just those small everyday decisions we make without really thinking about the long term effect it's going to have on our lives how they DO affect us. So so so much. How a decision you make today could completely change the person you are in three or four or ten years.

Recently I've been connecting really well with someone that I've known since I was three but never really talked to or spent time with or particularly enjoyed the company of. It's not that I didn't enjoy his company...it's just that it was never really something I looked forward to or came away from feeling light and happy and just fufilled and like my life will benefit from our conversation. Like...some people I feel this connection with like, I guess a deeper connection. I think you can experience God just through conversation or spending time with people. Last night was so magical for so many reasons...and one of the things I thought about was how it often feels like there is a closer connection with others when you are silent together, but you are listening to the silence. This, for me, is when I feel the most inner connection with others. It's when our very spirits combine and dance together in the moonlight, or the sunshine, or the rain. It's when, as my friend said, we can finally be honest with each other. And honesty may not be talking, it might just be listening. Together. I think this honesty, this connection also comes when we revert back to childhood, to innocence, to spontaneity. It seems to me that children are often just as wise as old people...we somehow lose this wisdom when the world takes over our minds, and then slowly we must purge ourselves of our brainwashing and become truly young once again. I guess everything's like that...you know ashes to ashes...that whole deal...we're corrupted as teenagers and middleaged people so much. We worry waaaay too much about social correctness, and who thinks what, and what we wear, and who we're talking to, and who we spend time with, and hurt feelings...it's simply exhausting. ew.

Anyways, enough ranting. One of my BIG goals for the summer was to focus on healing...and this has come true for me tenfold. I've had amazing conversations with even more amazing people, I've had nights filled with tea and laughter and tears, naked dips in the lake, midnight canoes, early morning kayaks, I've just had, or taken, the time to step back and realize that my life is wonderful - and to appreciate right NOW in this very moment, with who I am, wherever I am. I am so content right now...spiritually, with friends, with family, with changes and moving, with who I am, with everything and where it has taken me and where it will take me.

I am happy here.








One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready.....here I goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

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Tomorrow is grad. That scares me. Lots. I have recently been feeling so down. It's like there's a constant cloud of sadness inside of me. Sometimes it doesn't come forward and there are definitely times when I am so happy and just enjoying life, and when I feel happy with the way I am living life and the way my life is right now, but the sadness always comes back.

I am trying to learn to live with love, and to make all my decisions based on love instead of on personal preferences. This is hard, though.

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like water

I think one of the most important things in life is learning to let things flow. To just jump on and go for a ride....like, I don't think that we should act like we have no responsibility, but I think it's important to allow yourself to just be swept up by a moment, or a situation; and then allow yourself to fully experience it right then. I think that too many people find themselves thinking too much about things that, in the grand scheme of life, really don't matter. And I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to be free, I want to be a teenager, I just want to be able to be me no matter what the cost, and I want to stop feeling apologetic for that. It's sick how today's society has us programmed to believe that we will never be good enough...and I wish I had less trouble ignoring this voice...but the truth is that I don't. I hear it constantly taunting me and I'm tired of it. I am tired of worrying what others are going to think, and doing things because they're expected of me. I'm tired of lies and forced laughs and I'm tired of high school drama. Even though I'm going to miss high school so very much, I'm beginning to agree with dad when he says I'm ready to move on, because I am...and I think I have been for a while. There is so much more for me in life that trying to hold on to life as I know it right now would be absolutely unfair to myself. I am ready. I'm ready to just be in the world and wander around. Without an end point in sight and without someone telling me what to do. I am ready to become water in the hands of my life.

and simply

flow.

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february air

I am not doing well. Although life is fine...and I am generally happy and content with the way things are going right now...my heart still hurts. It is taking me longer than expected to get over this. Today I've been having a hard time of it. I feel hypersensitive to anything that reminds me of him...and although I know this will pass, and that it's okay for me to be feeling these things and going through these emotions...I would like very much to go back and erase anything in my memory of him or us. That sounds slightly childish, but it is my deepest desire right now.

At the same time, I am surprising myself with how well I am doing. I had an incredible weekend, and I feel so much more like myself than I have in a while. Maybe it's because right now I feel vulnerable...so it's okay if I just let everything hang out and allow people to see the real mim, and all of me. I'm not sure what it is. Although I hate what has happened...I am also feeling free and that in a year, or five years, or whenever, I'm going to look back and smile because this happened.

I told my friend the other day that I'm trying to remember how happy I was when things were good...and not focus so much on the bitterness and hate that is simmering right now. Hate never did any good for the world, and so why would I want to nurture it? I once read that hate is easy, but love takes courage, and I am trying to really take that to heart right now. Even though everything is going to be different, and things are, inevitably, going to be strange and we might feel like we are constantly on tip toe around each other for a while, I think it's going to be okay. Forgiveness will come.

'my arms get cold in february air. please don't lose hold of me out there.' -lights

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one more night

I am realizing that lives are built upon perspective. If you think about it....all the opinions you disagree with will seem logical if you imagine you had grown up in their situation...generally. I just think that we all need to take a few chill pills and realize that life is all about having fun. Letting ourselves make our own choices and not caring if other people make different choices, or if they make choices you disagree with. Some of the world's most influential people were the ones who encouraged acceptance. It's so crucial to our everyday lives even, never mind on the world-scale. I get so angry at people for doing stuff that probably actually might make sense if I stop being so ego-centric and look at it from their point view. This is kind of an elementary concept, I'm aware...but I still like it. Everyone has their own story, and maybe if we took the time to learn other people's stories, the world would be a bit better.

Today I decided that nature understands music. I suppose nature created music...so why wouldn't it understand. Maybe nature is music...and I just haven't been listening to it enough lately. I don't know...it's just something I thought.

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P.S.

ps. I think I am a very confused girl

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what is beautiful

I feel like taking calculus has caused to to miss out on a lot of beauty, on a lot of art, and on creating a lot of things. Like it has drained me of creativeness...which it hasn't, but I just haven't been able to capitalize on anything creative lately. I have so many projects in my mind just waiting to be creative, I want to take pictures, I have missed connecting with people face to face. I have missed spares spent sipping iced tea and telling all. I feel that this course has encapsulated the entirety of my last semester of grade twelve, and, to some extent, I regret it. I'm sure I won't in the future, when I don't have to do it then, but right now I do. I wish I had done some stuff, no I wish I had done a lot of things differently in the past four months.

I have been craving a Stars concert as of late, and found out today they're coming on June 20. I am beyond excitement, but can't for surely go yet. I need to find out my work schedule first. Poop on work. It's so repressive. (?) I don't know if that makes sense... They just make me feel like everything is going to be ok. Listening to their music is like....I don't know, it's like listening to love. or the wind. or God even. It makes me feel like I can be a better person, like someone out there believes in me. It makes me feel powerful...not, like, evil powerful, but like I can make change happen. Their music strengthens my soul, and it sometimes feels like it is a part of me I've never met. It is amazing.

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cold sunburnt legs

I am wondering how I can be so different in certain situations. How, with some people I want to talk, I want to be the center of attention, I want them to notice me, and with others I feel like shrinking into a ball and dying. I am wondering why I can feel so many emotions at one time and why things seem so much less complicated when my brother lays the facts out for me. It's like whenever he tells me something, it just clicks in my mind and it's like, 'oh yeah, this is life, there aren't rules, there is freedom, you don't have to do anything if you don't want to.' Maybe that's why I'm scared to grow up, why becoming an adult seems so dauting. Because I am so rule-driven and I want expectations. I want someone to tell me that this is the way it SHOULD be, this is right and that is wrong. And although I do believe in right and wrong...to some extent...I am trying more and more to embrace this idea of freedom. That life will, in a few short weeks, cease to exist as I have ever known it before. I keep thinking that this means I should get a good grip on it and hold it like there's no tomorrow. But I think the best thing right now is to do the exact opposite. To let life go and follow its path. I need to allow my soul the opportunity to explore endless possibilities and to wander into unknown, and maybe scary or painful, territory. I've always let others do this letting go for me, but it's my turn now. I like that way of looking at things, and I think for my pattern-driven life, that's really what it is...more than other people running the show, they have been the ones that have let go for me. They've walked me through decisions, told me what the choices were, they looked at my life and decided what the options were. It's going to be good for me, this letting go. It's going to be great for me. My soul hasn't been able to explore very much as of late, and I think it will thank me.

I am wondering if maybe a lot of people's lives are like my body right now. I am littered with bruises on my right side only because of dragonboat...I only paddle on one side of the boat... I wonder if so many people get caught up with what they see and know that they go with only that in life. They do what they are expected to do, and go where they are expected to go, without exploring the other half of their life. Even when the side of their life that they know and feel comfortable with is bruised and has been beaten to near-death, they keep searching there when, in reality, there is oh so much more to find. So much more to discover and learn about and litter with well-earned bruises.

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something I read

"Love it all.

The fear.
The excitement.

The guilt


The power for change


The unworthiness

the Hurt Feelings


the euphoric feelings

The movement,

the whole process,
it's Known as Life."

-unknown

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sometimes....life sucks

So I guess I'm beginning to learn that there are definitely parts of life that are a hell of a lot harder than other parts. Why is it so hard to forgive people even when you want to forgive them. When all you want to do is pretend that nothing happened and maybe everything will go back the way it was. When, even though someone hurt you, you don't think they're a bad person. You still believe in them. Good people make mistakes too, right? And then other times I think I'm being weak for wanting to forgive so quickly, for wanting to let things blow over. Things change us, and it has, and probably will continue to change me. But what do I do with it now? Is there any value in holding this deep in my heart and being bitter? That's not who I am. I don't want that. I want to be able to be happy again. I want to laugh and feel things deeply and love and dance in the rain and throw mud. And I have since then. I have laughed, I have deeply felt pain, I have loved people, I have danced in the rain, and I have thrown mud. This makes me think that maybe everything is going to work out. But that it's ok now, too. It makes me believe that one day I'm going to wake up and my heart isn't going to hurt anymore, and I'll be able to stomach food. One day I'll be able to stop hurting deeply. I need closure...but not closure of contact or friendship...just closure of what happened. I want a better explanation. I want to understand why, if friendship is so valued, that happened. Why it was allowed to happen. I just want to be told straight up what is going on here; and what was going on. I wish I was stronger and knew better how to deal with myself. I wish I was older and I actually knew stuff about life.

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poems

I apparently am getting into this...two blogs in two days. This is intense. Anyways...I just feel like posting some of my poetry, because, honestly, I like to read it and I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who reads this blog anyway.

Peanut butter and honey sandwiches right before supper
Crayon colouring
and underwater breathing
Things that remind me of you
And how my love is like trying to make maple syrup candies
on an early spring day
Freezing slowly and painfully
And melting as if no effort was put in to getting rid of that gooey liquid that I know nothing about
That made me slide my way through a bit of life on its sticky, sugary surface
Naïve to its dangers and downfalls
Thinking we were on the same slide
and learning abruptly as I took a jump
That we weren’t going to land together
we weren’t on the same slide
Falling fast and long and hard from the mountain you had led me up – or so I thought
It was like I leaned over to blow out the candle, and you got up and turned on the light.

This life
was meant to be lived
by the sea

Where little boys can laugh
and cry
and little girls can explore
and discover
and learn to love

Where freedom
of expression is breathing
and freedom
of the soul is dancing

Where all masks and makeup
costumes and scripts
are suddenly and beautifully
dissolved away by the salt water

Where spontaneity is as common as ten toes
and roommates change like socks

Where lonely, hopeless,
suffocated, pressure, fear, doubt,
and pain
don’t show up in the dictionary

This life
was meant to be lived
by the sea

Where dreams are never too big
and love is never lost
Where faith flourishes
and memories don’t need to go in a box

I want more inspiration
I want to look at the clouds and see opportunity
I want to talk to people and look them in the eyes
I want to hear what they’re really saying
I want the rain to come
I want the sun to come
I want kisses and rainbows and sunsets and sunrises
I want a house that does not echo with the constant reminder that I am alone
on the prairies
empty
I want to see the good in people and to see that they, too, have seen the rain
and the sun
I want to stop the repressive beeps and rings and buzzes and vibrations and hums of our modern world
I want to be silent in order to speak to my soul

She’s crying behind her closed office door
and hopes that no one hears her
She needs to be alone now but
no one really knows her
She needs to get away
She really wants to scream
if she screams
will the rumours start
in this cursed town of her childhood
And she remembers
as a little girl
running
barefoot
in the fields
running wild and imagining
she was an explorer
As her one size too small high heeled boots cut off her circulation
she sobs
And she remembers
her high school dreams
how she said
she’d be out of here as soon as she tossed her graduation hat
out to see the world
to do good for the world
And she pulls on her cashmere coat
Steps out into the cold
She walks aimlessly
like her life
Illusions fill the photo albums of her mind
But she smiles and throws her face to the sky
As her waterproof mascara washes off in the rain

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my musings

I think I often don't realize (or maybe never realize) how much my parents love me. They are so supportive and forgiving and generous and just all around incredible. They understand me maybe even better than I understand myself. They know how to reach me when I've become closed to the world. One of the things that scares me most when I look into the future and imagine myself with a family is that I will never be as good of a parent as they are. I mean, I just don't know if it's possible for me to not get annoyed at people, especially if I ever had girlie girls going through their preteen years, I'd probably shoot myself. Anyways, I'm awed by the way they constantly put me (and my siblings) first and think about us so much more than they think about themselves. Being a parent is one of, if not the, most self-sacrificial things a person can do on this earth.

I'm trying to learn to live the moment. Embrace whatever is happening right now. Allow it to happen and change me, but not to phase me. Let yourself become wrapped in the moment, but not suffocated by it.

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it's late

It's late(ish) at night and I should probably be studying calculus or going to bed or planning stuff for our environment club presentation this friday...but I'm not.

Sometimes I just wonder what life really is all about. There is so much shit that sometimes it's hard to scrape through it all to the sunshine (disgusting mind picture, I know, but I think it gets the point across). Like, I don't know why so many people get so down on others, or on themselves for that matter. We're so concerned about the image that we portray. The way we look, the things we say, the people we're seen with, the things we're seen doing that a lot of people forget to have a soul. They forget that living isn't about what you do, it's about how you do it. I sometimes get so caught up in 'going through the motions' in life that I forget how much I care about people. How, when the dust settles and I really had to decide what is most important to me, it's people. Relationships. I need to focus on this more. Just being open with more people and allowing myself to be me around everyone. Letting other people in and being okay with them seeing all of me, not just the parts of mim that I feel like showing them...all of it. The scars and the ugly parts that I'm ashamed of and also the beautiful parts, the parts that are insecure, the parts that are mean. Everything.
There is so much drama...so much stuff that we end up spending a large part of our time worrying about, when really all we need to do is embrace it. Embrace every part of life the same way we need to embrace every part of ourselves. Allow yourself to feel pain, to experience loss, to cry and scream and yell. But we also need time to love and be silent, and time to dance and sing and giggle. It's okay. Life's not always easy. Searching for balance is often hard and unrewarding...but learning to accept and love life right now is hard too, so where do we go? I guess everyone deals with everything in life differently...just like we all learn differently, but for me this is where inner peace comes along and taps me on the shoulder. Whenever I start feeling like my insides are all mixed up because I'm stressed or haven't been connecting with people, I realize that once I find peace with myself, it will begin to flood over into my life in other areas. In my relationships with others, my schoolwork, and work. It never ceases to amaze me how taking a few minutes out of my day to meditate or do a bit of yoga or just think or pray can make such a difference. There is a greater good. A connecting force. I think life would be impossible without one. Maybe that's what life is about. Where the sunshine starts to shine through. When we begin to recognize that we are all connected. Although that woman at soccer practice pisses the hell out of me...we are travelling much of the same journey, we will affect each other (or already have...) in ways we don't even know. If everyone you meet and come in contact with affects you (and vice versa), think about how many people's lives you've already touched in some way...

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what I want...

So today I was just thinking...about growing up, and things that I want in life...this is what I now have on a beautifully messy page...

I want to spin until I fall over and feel sick. More adventure walks. Stop worrying. I want to buy less. I want to hug people more. Read more. I want to eat more vegetables and drink more water and write in my journal. I want to care about people. I want letters in the mail. I want to draw with chalk and paint with my hands. Be more honest and less boxed in. I want to wear more scarves. To feel loved and beautiful. To accept myself. Laugh. I want to play dress up. And just play more. Give more cards. I want to jump in more puddles and get muddy more often. Make human pulleys. I want to smell more...more flowers, grass, air, cooking. I want to experience things more fully. I want to see beauty in things that seem ugly. I want to live the questions. And spend more time in silence - thinking. I want to drink more tea. I want to spend more time just thinking with others. I want to wear more yellow and green and I want to go naked more often. I want to snort when I laugh and spray milk out of my nose. I want to get drunk less and spend more time getting to know people - including myself. I want to see more sunrises. I want to sing and dance freely, and follow the path I want to follow, without raised eyebrows or hushed criticisms. I want to paint nails and giggle until two am. I want people to talk to me about things instead of just being upset. I believe the impossible is happening every day. I want to see the impossible that happens. <3>

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life

It's so hard sometimes to realize that, no matter how much bad there is in life, how much seems to be going wrong, there is always right. The sun is always rising in the sky somewhere. It's comforting to know that hope is constant. And although it may be only a glowing coal in the fireplace, it is there nonetheless.

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