French press coffee. Undone essay. The new slippers.

I'm starting to realize that this - my life, right now, exactly the way it is - is something to celebrate. There are things that make me feel sad, of course, this is life, not everything will be happy. Sometimes I will feel lonely, unsatisfied, unwanted, awkward, under-qualified, tongue tied, or simply like I have been dumped into a life that someone else seems to have created and I am now here stuck living. But there will always be love, even if I cannot always see it. I have so many people in my life who respect me, who love me, and who affirm me. I have things I might do differently if I got to relive days with the knowledge I now have, but that is very normal.

I heard the other day that there are literally people eating mud pies in the world right now. Talk about a shock into reality. Here I am worrying about eating too much, about relationships, feelings, worrying about how skinny I am (or am not), and there are people on the same planet who will die of malnutrition. Of course, this needs to be taken with a realistic point of view; of course if I stop eating it will not bring them food, but it did make me stop and think about how small and insignificant my problems are.

This brings up something else...how I feel so compelled to make such a big difference in the world. I want to die with a legacy, with people knowing what I've done. Incredibly selfish and arrogant, I know, but true. I want to make a big difference because I care about the people it will impact, because I think that I am here to leave the world a bit of a better place, but also because I want some sort of recognition for myself. How disgusting.

I don't know....I'm done my coffee now and should really go attempt to edit the fricking hellish essay that has been plaguing me for months.

Tell me lies, lies, lies. Sweet little lies when I cannot bear the truth. Tell me lies, lies, lies. Sweet little lies. Help me make them all come true.
*Michael Franti and Spearhead

Go listen to Michael Franti's newest album.