one more night

>> Saturday, May 31, 2008

I am realizing that lives are built upon perspective. If you think about it....all the opinions you disagree with will seem logical if you imagine you had grown up in their situation...generally. I just think that we all need to take a few chill pills and realize that life is all about having fun. Letting ourselves make our own choices and not caring if other people make different choices, or if they make choices you disagree with. Some of the world's most influential people were the ones who encouraged acceptance. It's so crucial to our everyday lives even, never mind on the world-scale. I get so angry at people for doing stuff that probably actually might make sense if I stop being so ego-centric and look at it from their point view. This is kind of an elementary concept, I'm aware...but I still like it. Everyone has their own story, and maybe if we took the time to learn other people's stories, the world would be a bit better.

Today I decided that nature understands music. I suppose nature created music...so why wouldn't it understand. Maybe nature is music...and I just haven't been listening to it enough lately. I don't know...it's just something I thought.

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P.S.

>> Wednesday, May 28, 2008

ps. I think I am a very confused girl

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what is beautiful

I feel like taking calculus has caused to to miss out on a lot of beauty, on a lot of art, and on creating a lot of things. Like it has drained me of creativeness...which it hasn't, but I just haven't been able to capitalize on anything creative lately. I have so many projects in my mind just waiting to be creative, I want to take pictures, I have missed connecting with people face to face. I have missed spares spent sipping iced tea and telling all. I feel that this course has encapsulated the entirety of my last semester of grade twelve, and, to some extent, I regret it. I'm sure I won't in the future, when I don't have to do it then, but right now I do. I wish I had done some stuff, no I wish I had done a lot of things differently in the past four months.

I have been craving a Stars concert as of late, and found out today they're coming on June 20. I am beyond excitement, but can't for surely go yet. I need to find out my work schedule first. Poop on work. It's so repressive. (?) I don't know if that makes sense... They just make me feel like everything is going to be ok. Listening to their music is like....I don't know, it's like listening to love. or the wind. or God even. It makes me feel like I can be a better person, like someone out there believes in me. It makes me feel powerful...not, like, evil powerful, but like I can make change happen. Their music strengthens my soul, and it sometimes feels like it is a part of me I've never met. It is amazing.

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cold sunburnt legs

>> Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I am wondering how I can be so different in certain situations. How, with some people I want to talk, I want to be the center of attention, I want them to notice me, and with others I feel like shrinking into a ball and dying. I am wondering why I can feel so many emotions at one time and why things seem so much less complicated when my brother lays the facts out for me. It's like whenever he tells me something, it just clicks in my mind and it's like, 'oh yeah, this is life, there aren't rules, there is freedom, you don't have to do anything if you don't want to.' Maybe that's why I'm scared to grow up, why becoming an adult seems so dauting. Because I am so rule-driven and I want expectations. I want someone to tell me that this is the way it SHOULD be, this is right and that is wrong. And although I do believe in right and wrong...to some extent...I am trying more and more to embrace this idea of freedom. That life will, in a few short weeks, cease to exist as I have ever known it before. I keep thinking that this means I should get a good grip on it and hold it like there's no tomorrow. But I think the best thing right now is to do the exact opposite. To let life go and follow its path. I need to allow my soul the opportunity to explore endless possibilities and to wander into unknown, and maybe scary or painful, territory. I've always let others do this letting go for me, but it's my turn now. I like that way of looking at things, and I think for my pattern-driven life, that's really what it is...more than other people running the show, they have been the ones that have let go for me. They've walked me through decisions, told me what the choices were, they looked at my life and decided what the options were. It's going to be good for me, this letting go. It's going to be great for me. My soul hasn't been able to explore very much as of late, and I think it will thank me.

I am wondering if maybe a lot of people's lives are like my body right now. I am littered with bruises on my right side only because of dragonboat...I only paddle on one side of the boat... I wonder if so many people get caught up with what they see and know that they go with only that in life. They do what they are expected to do, and go where they are expected to go, without exploring the other half of their life. Even when the side of their life that they know and feel comfortable with is bruised and has been beaten to near-death, they keep searching there when, in reality, there is oh so much more to find. So much more to discover and learn about and litter with well-earned bruises.

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something I read

>> Monday, May 26, 2008

"Love it all.

The fear.
The excitement.

The guilt


The power for change


The unworthiness

the Hurt Feelings


the euphoric feelings

The movement,

the whole process,
it's Known as Life."

-unknown

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sometimes....life sucks

So I guess I'm beginning to learn that there are definitely parts of life that are a hell of a lot harder than other parts. Why is it so hard to forgive people even when you want to forgive them. When all you want to do is pretend that nothing happened and maybe everything will go back the way it was. When, even though someone hurt you, you don't think they're a bad person. You still believe in them. Good people make mistakes too, right? And then other times I think I'm being weak for wanting to forgive so quickly, for wanting to let things blow over. Things change us, and it has, and probably will continue to change me. But what do I do with it now? Is there any value in holding this deep in my heart and being bitter? That's not who I am. I don't want that. I want to be able to be happy again. I want to laugh and feel things deeply and love and dance in the rain and throw mud. And I have since then. I have laughed, I have deeply felt pain, I have loved people, I have danced in the rain, and I have thrown mud. This makes me think that maybe everything is going to work out. But that it's ok now, too. It makes me believe that one day I'm going to wake up and my heart isn't going to hurt anymore, and I'll be able to stomach food. One day I'll be able to stop hurting deeply. I need closure...but not closure of contact or friendship...just closure of what happened. I want a better explanation. I want to understand why, if friendship is so valued, that happened. Why it was allowed to happen. I just want to be told straight up what is going on here; and what was going on. I wish I was stronger and knew better how to deal with myself. I wish I was older and I actually knew stuff about life.

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poems

>> Thursday, May 8, 2008

I apparently am getting into this...two blogs in two days. This is intense. Anyways...I just feel like posting some of my poetry, because, honestly, I like to read it and I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who reads this blog anyway.

Peanut butter and honey sandwiches right before supper
Crayon colouring
and underwater breathing
Things that remind me of you
And how my love is like trying to make maple syrup candies
on an early spring day
Freezing slowly and painfully
And melting as if no effort was put in to getting rid of that gooey liquid that I know nothing about
That made me slide my way through a bit of life on its sticky, sugary surface
Naïve to its dangers and downfalls
Thinking we were on the same slide
and learning abruptly as I took a jump
That we weren’t going to land together
we weren’t on the same slide
Falling fast and long and hard from the mountain you had led me up – or so I thought
It was like I leaned over to blow out the candle, and you got up and turned on the light.


This life
was meant to be lived

by the sea

Where little boys can
laugh
and cry
and little girls can explore
and discover
and learn to
love

Where freedom
of expression is breathing
and
freedom
of the soul is dancing

Where all masks and makeup
costumes and scripts
are suddenly and
beautifully
dissolved away by the salt water

Where
spontaneity is as common as ten toes
and roommates change like socks

Where lonely, hopeless,
suffocated, pressure, fear, doubt,
and pain
don’t show up in the dictionary

This life
was meant to be lived

by the sea

Where dreams are never too big
and
love is never lost
Where
faith flourishes
and
memories don’t need to go in a box


I want more inspiration
I want to look at the clouds and see opportunity
I want to talk to people and look them in the eyes
I want to hear what they’re really saying
I want the rain to come
I want the sun to come
I want kisses and rainbows and sunsets and sunrises
I want a house that does not echo with the constant reminder that I am alone
on the prairies
empty
I want to see the good in people and to see that they, too, have seen the rain
and the sun
I want to stop the repressive beeps and rings and buzzes and vibrations and hums of our modern world
I want to be silent in order to speak to my soul


She’s crying behind her closed office door
and hopes that no one hears her
She needs to be alone now but
no one really knows her
She needs to get away
She really wants to scream
if she screams
will the rumours start
in this cursed town of her childhood
And she remembers
as a little girl
running
barefoot
in the fields
running wild and imagining
she was an explorer
As her one size too small high heeled boots cut off her circulation
she sobs
And she remembers
her high school dreams
how she said
she’d be out of here as soon as she tossed her graduation hat
out to see the world
to do good for the world
And she pulls on her cashmere coat
Steps out into the cold
She walks aimlessly
like her life
Illusions fill the photo albums of her mind
But she smiles and throws her face to the sky
As her waterproof mascara washes off in the rain

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my musings

>> Wednesday, May 7, 2008

I think I often don't realize (or maybe never realize) how much my parents love me. They are so supportive and forgiving and generous and just all around incredible. They understand me maybe even better than I understand myself. They know how to reach me when I've become closed to the world. One of the things that scares me most when I look into the future and imagine myself with a family is that I will never be as good of a parent as they are. I mean, I just don't know if it's possible for me to not get annoyed at people, especially if I ever had girlie girls going through their preteen years, I'd probably shoot myself. Anyways, I'm awed by the way they constantly put me (and my siblings) first and think about us so much more than they think about themselves. Being a parent is one of, if not the, most self-sacrificial things a person can do on this earth.

I'm trying to learn to live the moment. Embrace whatever is happening right now. Allow it to happen and change me, but not to phase me. Let yourself become wrapped in the moment, but not suffocated by it.

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