>> Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Tomorrow is grad. That scares me. Lots. I have recently been feeling so down. It's like there's a constant cloud of sadness inside of me. Sometimes it doesn't come forward and there are definitely times when I am so happy and just enjoying life, and when I feel happy with the way I am living life and the way my life is right now, but the sadness always comes back.

I am trying to learn to live with love, and to make all my decisions based on love instead of on personal preferences. This is hard, though.

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like water

>> Saturday, June 7, 2008

I think one of the most important things in life is learning to let things flow. To just jump on and go for a ride....like, I don't think that we should act like we have no responsibility, but I think it's important to allow yourself to just be swept up by a moment, or a situation; and then allow yourself to fully experience it right then. I think that too many people find themselves thinking too much about things that, in the grand scheme of life, really don't matter. And I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to be free, I want to be a teenager, I just want to be able to be me no matter what the cost, and I want to stop feeling apologetic for that. It's sick how today's society has us programmed to believe that we will never be good enough...and I wish I had less trouble ignoring this voice...but the truth is that I don't. I hear it constantly taunting me and I'm tired of it. I am tired of worrying what others are going to think, and doing things because they're expected of me. I'm tired of lies and forced laughs and I'm tired of high school drama. Even though I'm going to miss high school so very much, I'm beginning to agree with dad when he says I'm ready to move on, because I am...and I think I have been for a while. There is so much more for me in life that trying to hold on to life as I know it right now would be absolutely unfair to myself. I am ready. I'm ready to just be in the world and wander around. Without an end point in sight and without someone telling me what to do. I am ready to become water in the hands of my life.

and simply

flow.

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february air

>> Wednesday, June 4, 2008

I am not doing well. Although life is fine...and I am generally happy and content with the way things are going right now...my heart still hurts. It is taking me longer than expected to get over this. Today I've been having a hard time of it. I feel hypersensitive to anything that reminds me of him...and although I know this will pass, and that it's okay for me to be feeling these things and going through these emotions...I would like very much to go back and erase anything in my memory of him or us. That sounds slightly childish, but it is my deepest desire right now.

At the same time, I am surprising myself with how well I am doing. I had an incredible weekend, and I feel so much more like myself than I have in a while. Maybe it's because right now I feel vulnerable...so it's okay if I just let everything hang out and allow people to see the real mim, and all of me. I'm not sure what it is. Although I hate what has happened...I am also feeling free and that in a year, or five years, or whenever, I'm going to look back and smile because this happened.

I told my friend the other day that I'm trying to remember how happy I was when things were good...and not focus so much on the bitterness and hate that is simmering right now. Hate never did any good for the world, and so why would I want to nurture it? I once read that hate is easy, but love takes courage, and I am trying to really take that to heart right now. Even though everything is going to be different, and things are, inevitably, going to be strange and we might feel like we are constantly on tip toe around each other for a while, I think it's going to be okay. Forgiveness will come.

'my arms get cold in february air. please don't lose hold of me out there.' -lights

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