It's strange...my attitude toward school. I want so badly to feel motivated and driven, but I just don't. I need a goal, I have no clue what I'm working toward anymore. I can't use marks as my motivation because they are a monster to me now. I hate how competitive I am. I am trying so hard to just love life...but it's still hard sometimes. I still sometimes just want to SCREEEEEEEAM. I am not sure how much longer I can deal with this. The idea that there is so much out there...and I can do anything....scares the hell out of me. I do not want to become one of those people who just does what is easy...I want to do things that are hard. I want to be challenged, I want to grow and change and build myself. I want to experience...things. Experience silence, connection, love, ......
I have started wondering how much of what I claim to be "me" is actually just something I have stated to be me...but really isn't. How much of it have I just been too stubborn to let go of. When did I stop being sure I wanted to be a teacher? When did I convince myself that certain things were important to me...why am I so concerned about certain things....And I think maybe this reality is where my fear and uncertainty begins. I feel such a need to be accepted by certain people. I will go to any lengths to create myself to fit into the mold that they have for me even though I hate the way it looks and it doesn't fit right.
....so listen up the sun hasn't set, I refuse to believe that it's only me feeling....I'm a slow motion accident lost in coffee rings and fingerprints I don't want to feel anything but I do.... -ff
This weekend my sister and I went outside at about one in the morning and made snow angels in the fresh snow on other people's driveways. There's something almost sacred about being the first one in the snow....We spend an entire half hour walking around and didn't see one car. It was so lovely. I'm beginning to love these everyday moments, and this life that I seem to be living...even though it still feels foreign and wrong. It feels so good to allow myself to be happy. I think that really was the problem...I wasn't letting myself be happy. I created a happy facade that I was content to hide behind, where it felt comfortable and safe to be unhappy...like it was my little secret, but it doesn't have to be. I don't need to hold that secret. If I'm unhappy...I can be unhappy...and if I'm happy, I should be HAPPY.
I am feeling so calm and almost at peace with university right now. I actually am thinking I might come back next year....it's strange. I am no longer letting it take hold of me, I control the way I feel about it. It feels wonderful. I'm starting to make connections with people and enjoy the process of learning, and to appreciate where I am. Christmas break is so soon and I am beyond excited to see everyone...but also kind of scared. I want things to go so well and I have such a perfect, beautiful picture in my mind of what my Christmas break and time with friends will look like...but I need to keep in mind that it will be wonderful no matter what happens.
**thank you for the journey to this new day** (xr)
