bitter noir

>> Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Currently on a quick break from writing an English essay that is worth 15% of my mark. (AAAAAH!!!). It's not actually going that badly, and I kind of feel like writing right now. I really love the play I'm writing about, which makes it a lot more bearable than writing about the always exciting Casino Royale. I am wondering some things right now....although I feel quite content with the wondering. I feel at a very good stage in my life...that I am really LIVING. Even though my living right now consists mainly of reading text books and writing essays and memorizing french vocabulary words. I feel like the library at school should be renamed "Mim's room". But, the beautiful thing is, I'm okay with that.

I am wondering....if I really will ever find love, if it's okay to let people down. I wonder if life is meant to be lived the way I am living it, or if I am overlooking something monumental. I wonder if it's okay to just experience things and think later. I wonder where I will be in ten years...or two years...or one year, for that matter.

I have been repeating this mantra to myself today, and plan to continue at least until reading week:

"I am a strong and capable woman."

It's very empowering and helped me to get up this morning. It reminds me that I CAN do this...this school work, this life, this workout, this conversation....etc. etc. It helps me to keep in mind that nothing life throws at me will ever be too big or too deep or too hard. That the strength I possess, if I allow it to, will always, and has already, won. There is so much power inside of me that I have been ignoring for a while, and now I'm letting it out and it feels awesome.

Everyone's gone to the party, won't you come if I come with a friend for your friend. I'd be so pleased to see you out of the classroom wearing the smile I'll bring you. I was hoping to learn a few things.
Dashboard*

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impending doom

>> Monday, January 26, 2009

I want this...kind of...

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Maroon Five*

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here if you want

>> Saturday, January 24, 2009

The other night I was feeling so sad and tired and unenergized. And it surprised me how, after supper, I felt so rejuvenated. This is a strange thing to blog about, I guess...but whatever, it was awesome and so obvious. I felt physically nourished, because I had eaten, duh. But I also just was able to take those forty minutes and replenish the love in my heart, to remember that I live with people who care about me and who support me, who make me laugh and help me to see life with a much more realistic point of view. I've been thinking about this a lot for the past few days after that evening, and trying to notice it...and giving myself the freedom to just talk to people when I feel dejected and overwhelmed by homework, but getting up and stretching and giving my roommates hugs, and just lighting candles and incense and listening to a song or two. It's incredible what this does for my spirit, I almost always feel so much better and have a better attitude toward my stack of work.

I love how my life is right now....it feels so full of what it should be full of...passion and beauty, love, great friends, wine, school, books, tea......it feels so right. And what a wonderful feeling. It hasn't been here for quite some time, and I hope it decides to stay.

People don't hunger only for food. How easy that would be, so basic and crude. There's so much more you need just to help nourish you.
The Waifs *

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I'm going back to the start

>> Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson*

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lactose intolerance

BAH. I am seriously delayed. I have no idea what I want and then I act rashly and make decisions about my life. I haven't a clue how to live 'free' and just let things go. I want to be in control, so I don't make myself vulnerable. Or maybe I just care too much, if I'm confused, they must not be, so I don't want to mix them up and make their heart hurt and mixed up. Maybe I think about others when really all I want is to start making decisions that I think are right when I look at the big picture. Or maybe it's the other way around. SHIT.

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the lingering taste of banana and peanut butter

>> Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. I feel like that's all I'm saying these days. And, I wonder where the hellos are for me. For these wonderful people I am bidding farewell, the hellos are obvious - they are off to experience 'the world' (whatever that means). They will find beautiful art, mountains, rivers, fields; they will find people who have hope despite their seemingly hopeless situations, and in this they will say hello to beauty. Their hellos will come in the form of new friends, and, even more importantly, in the form of self-discovery. But I wonder where my hellos are....and how I will find them and realize them.

I suppose my hellos are just simpler (or seem more 'normal'), but maybe are there anyway. It's all perspective. I guess. Maybe my hellos are in the development of a new kind of friendship. My hellos are watching my sister, from afar, become a woman. Maybe I am saying hello to a new kind of fear...fear of committing to something, fear of letting go, of being honest, of just allowing my heart to actually win for once...and fear of not knowing which side my heart is on.

My life is only nearing the beginning...and yet, I feel like what I am doing right now is so monumental to everything else. I want to realize the purpose of my life...but I know that this probably won't ever happen, let alone in the next few weeks or months.

I seem to want so much...I create such perfect visions in my imagination that real life is disappointing more often than not. I think I've been waiting for someone who is going to be able to read my mind, when what I really need to do is just start making my mind readable.

How I wish you could see the potential, the potential of you and me. It's like a book elegantly bound, but in a language you can't read just yet.
*Death Cab For Cutie

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two candles

>> Friday, January 2, 2009

we will never realize how much we are connected.
All of us...you, me, the world...on every level.

Quotes that struck me from Dry Lips Oughta Move to Kapuskasing by Tomson Highway

We've got to learn to dance again.

What happened to all those dreams you were so full of for your people, the same dreams this young man died for?

Too many times married men think they're still single, that caused many a good girl to go wrong.

The fact of the matter is, it never should have happened, that kind of thing should never be allowed to happen, not to us Indians, not to anyone living and breathing on the face of God's green earth.

This is not the kind of Earth we want to inherit.

It's true what they say, isn't it? I'm a bastard aren't I?

God! God of the Indian! God of the Whiteman! God Al-fucking-mighty! Whatever the fuck your name is. Why are you doing this to us? Why are you doing this to us?

Men who do not worship the Christian way do not automatically go to hell. There are many, many other ways of communicating with the Great Spirit. And they are all legitimate. What them priests said about me - about us - is not right. It's just not right. Respect us. Respect all people.

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