heureuse.

This weekend my sister and I went outside at about one in the morning and made snow angels in the fresh snow on other people's driveways. There's something almost sacred about being the first one in the snow....We spend an entire half hour walking around and didn't see one car. It was so lovely. I'm beginning to love these everyday moments, and this life that I seem to be living...even though it still feels foreign and wrong. It feels so good to allow myself to be happy. I think that really was the problem...I wasn't letting myself be happy. I created a happy facade that I was content to hide behind, where it felt comfortable and safe to be unhappy...like it was my little secret, but it doesn't have to be. I don't need to hold that secret. If I'm unhappy...I can be unhappy...and if I'm happy, I should be HAPPY.

I am feeling so calm and almost at peace with university right now. I actually am thinking I might come back next year....it's strange. I am no longer letting it take hold of me, I control the way I feel about it. It feels wonderful. I'm starting to make connections with people and enjoy the process of learning, and to appreciate where I am. Christmas break is so soon and I am beyond excited to see everyone...but also kind of scared. I want things to go so well and I have such a perfect, beautiful picture in my mind of what my Christmas break and time with friends will look like...but I need to keep in mind that it will be wonderful no matter what happens.

**thank you for the journey to this new day** (xr)