twelvethirtyeightehem

It's strange...my attitude toward school. I want so badly to feel motivated and driven, but I just don't. I need a goal, I have no clue what I'm working toward anymore. I can't use marks as my motivation because they are a monster to me now. I hate how competitive I am. I am trying so hard to just love life...but it's still hard sometimes. I still sometimes just want to SCREEEEEEEAM. I am not sure how much longer I can deal with this. The idea that there is so much out there...and I can do anything....scares the hell out of me. I do not want to become one of those people who just does what is easy...I want to do things that are hard. I want to be challenged, I want to grow and change and build myself. I want to experience...things. Experience silence, connection, love, ......

I have started wondering how much of what I claim to be "me" is actually just something I have stated to be me...but really isn't. How much of it have I just been too stubborn to let go of. When did I stop being sure I wanted to be a teacher? When did I convince myself that certain things were important to me...why am I so concerned about certain things....And I think maybe this reality is where my fear and uncertainty begins. I feel such a need to be accepted by certain people. I will go to any lengths to create myself to fit into the mold that they have for me even though I hate the way it looks and it doesn't fit right.



....so listen up the sun hasn't set, I refuse to believe that it's only me feeling....I'm a slow motion accident lost in coffee rings and fingerprints I don't want to feel anything but I do.... -ff