cold sunburnt legs

I am wondering how I can be so different in certain situations. How, with some people I want to talk, I want to be the center of attention, I want them to notice me, and with others I feel like shrinking into a ball and dying. I am wondering why I can feel so many emotions at one time and why things seem so much less complicated when my brother lays the facts out for me. It's like whenever he tells me something, it just clicks in my mind and it's like, 'oh yeah, this is life, there aren't rules, there is freedom, you don't have to do anything if you don't want to.' Maybe that's why I'm scared to grow up, why becoming an adult seems so dauting. Because I am so rule-driven and I want expectations. I want someone to tell me that this is the way it SHOULD be, this is right and that is wrong. And although I do believe in right and wrong...to some extent...I am trying more and more to embrace this idea of freedom. That life will, in a few short weeks, cease to exist as I have ever known it before. I keep thinking that this means I should get a good grip on it and hold it like there's no tomorrow. But I think the best thing right now is to do the exact opposite. To let life go and follow its path. I need to allow my soul the opportunity to explore endless possibilities and to wander into unknown, and maybe scary or painful, territory. I've always let others do this letting go for me, but it's my turn now. I like that way of looking at things, and I think for my pattern-driven life, that's really what it is...more than other people running the show, they have been the ones that have let go for me. They've walked me through decisions, told me what the choices were, they looked at my life and decided what the options were. It's going to be good for me, this letting go. It's going to be great for me. My soul hasn't been able to explore very much as of late, and I think it will thank me.

I am wondering if maybe a lot of people's lives are like my body right now. I am littered with bruises on my right side only because of dragonboat...I only paddle on one side of the boat... I wonder if so many people get caught up with what they see and know that they go with only that in life. They do what they are expected to do, and go where they are expected to go, without exploring the other half of their life. Even when the side of their life that they know and feel comfortable with is bruised and has been beaten to near-death, they keep searching there when, in reality, there is oh so much more to find. So much more to discover and learn about and litter with well-earned bruises.