Who'd Have Known
>> Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I've spent a ridiculous amount of time writing biology cue cards today.
I wish I had a comfortable relationship full of love.
I'm realizing that maybe, like the mission statement of House Church, I should be happy 'going not knowing'.
I'm trying to find joy in the small things in life...making a good dinner, laughing with my Mum, sunshine.
Yet I feel unsatisfied with this...whether it is because I am simply someone who will never BE satisfied, or because I want to know what is real, what will make me feel truly happy, and that life really, truly is worth living. That MY life really, truly is worth living.
Who have I affected, changed. Who is different because of me? I write earlier that everyone affects everyone with whom they come in contact with...but if this is true, perhaps my quest, my longing for more, is even more meaningless. Perhaps this means that, no matter what, I will affect as many people in my life as the average white housewife living in upper middle class suburbia having an affair with the mailman.
I'm listening to a lot of Lily Allen recently...and she's making me think that maybe I should try to find happiness and joy simply in the little things in my life. And that I should stop taking life so seriously. What do all these little, insignificant things mean anyway? What do they matter, in the grand scheme of things? And who ever got to decide what is right and what is wrong...morally, even?
I am wondering how it is that I am affecting people. When my parents speak of me as a child, they speak of a balanced girl, a relaxed soul, one who wanted only a hug for Christmas. And I wonder who this beast is that the little girl has become. Who WANTS so much, who feels like the rope is constantly slipping through her fingers, who is anything but relaxed.
I feel like, so often, my stress, my preoccupation with school, with my own life, prevents me from really being able to listen to others, to their souls, to my soul, even. I think sometimes I get so caught up thinking that my life is so important and is really all that others need to know about, that I forget that they have their own lives, which I do not know, but they might want to share a small piece of it with me.
And the scary thing is....I often think the tiny piece of their life that I get to try, tastes better than mine.
You put your arm around my shoulder. It was as if the room got colder. We moved closer in together. And started talking bout the weather. Said tomorrow would be fun. We can watch A Place In The Sun. I didn't know where this was going.
When you kissed me.
Lily Allen*
