It sometimes astounds me how many things I wish could replay in my life so that I could do them over again. Either to change how I acted or to just live and be that happy again, to trust someone again, to trust myself...How is it that in my short life I can have so many...regrets?...I hate that word. It's not that I regret these things, it's just that, looking back on my life just sometimes makes me feel empty. I am sad that I quit dance, because I truly feel that it could have been a passion for me. I feel empty because I had so many expectations for graduation, and for summer, that did not pan out in any way shape or form. I think I get into this mindset that my life will one day turn into a movie and things will be lovely and I'll laugh with my friends and my hair will blow in the wind and the sun will always be out; but that day is not coming. And I seriously need to come to terms with that...
I feel like, rather than helping me "find" myself, university has separated me even more.
I have no idea what I want to do with my life.
One moment I feel the urge to go help dying children and the next I want to get my psychology doctorate and have a beautifully extravagant house, the next I want to quit university here and now and go live in the bush. I don't even know what I want to teach or if I want to teach or what I truly believe about education. I feel the need to know where (generally) my life is going, and I haven't the slightest clue. I thought I knew who I was, and now I am learning there is so much more to me, and so much that I was wrong about. I do not understand myself and I just feel like the world is pulling me and screaming at me, wanting more More MORE. And I don't know where to put it. I just don't know. I don't know where to get involved, so I just don't get involved. I feel overwhelmed with homework, so I procrastinate. There are too many people I feel I need to keep in touch with, so I just don't keep in touch with anyone.
I was reading today about a class for students in grade twelve that helped them make the transition from adolescence to adulthood. My Lord I need(ed) something like that. I want something like that so much. I need a support group where I can cry, and be hugged, and kissed and I need somewhere where it's okay not to have the answer. And it's okay to stop looking for it. I started tearing up when I was reading that...not only because it was so beautiful, but because reading about those kids made me want to make a difference like that, and made me so incredibly jealous at the same time. It seems so natural and such an obvious thing to do, that I wonder why a group like that is not available to any teenager dealing with growing up (um, EVERYONE). Why is it that so many of us spend nights tucked away, alone, crying. Why do we delight in familiarity? What is so bad about just wanting to spend all weekend at home with your parents because you miss them so so much during the week? Why am I not ready for this? What's wrong with me? How do I do this. How do I come out of it. What am I supposed to tell myself to make myself believe that this is 'normal'. Where is the reason in this. The justice? I feel lost and alone and lonely. Scared. SAD. I feel like the beautiful world I worked so hard to build around myself, the personality that was well knit and well rounded have been washed away.
Everything is so fragile. Why am I not stronger?
Read more...
