a silver ring gone bronze. catalysts. a hybrid. an alloy.

Easy conversations, there's no such thing
Your scent lingers on my clothes
Do exactly as I do
Lean your shoulders forward
If I did you would

Look into my eyes
And speak to me without words
Take a look at me

That night
When we shot porn stars
On the essence of my being
Dance, dance, dance
un
deux
trois
quatre
cinq
six a hundred times is fine
The uncovered mattress holds
The unspoken words between
Us

Oh keep me on your mind
You'll be the rhythm and I'll be the beat
You'll be the rhythm and I'll be the beat

You turned to me in the morning
Slowly, painfully
Relaying the message
Do exactly as I do

The moonlight in your bedroom illuminated
Our white bodies
but when I trip on my feet
We shed our skin
Like ghosts
Look at the beat
The way the sunshine leaves its mark
On my pigment-deprived skin
In case you would come walking
In case you change your mind
Move in and out of this world

Love in a symphony
Clothed in sweat
And lust
So keep me, keep it open
Everyone notices
I'm shy, shy, shy
Having troubles telling how I feel

I don't love you
Because if I did
We wouldn't be doing this

Let your heart meet mine

The words are, follow these instructions
Move your body closer
Words can never make up for what you do

Don't break yourself for me
Don't lose your selfish ways for me
I sleep with windows open
The words are written in the air
I sleep with eyes wide
Love is the harmony
Desire is the key
Love is the melody
Now wing it with me

I was a dancer all along
For you I go all blind
Keep on flunking out
Keep me wanting more
Look at the ground
The words are, written in the dust
Love, Love is the shoreline were you and I meet
And ocean breeze once whispered

In my ear to forget

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I still love milk chocolate

I wish I was brave and had as much love inside me as I imagine I do. Then maybe we could have parted the way I would have really liked. As I thought about you going to bed alone in the dark, I wish I would have come back and kissed you and told you that I would always love you too and that you would have been brave, and held me. But as I went to bed all I could think about was how you had hurt me, and that I wasn't sure my heart was ready to be dropped, yet again, and that I should really get to bed because I worked early...I guess I have more practicality and hardness inside me than I would like to imagine. I can't seem to decide if the happiness that comes with being free is worth the pain.

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my new day planner

The Land of Opportunity is a state of mind.

It is an openness to new ideas,
a willingness to listen,
an eagerness to learn,
a desire to g r o w,
and the flexibility to change.

It is where we live and work when we choose to see with new eyes,
live from our hearts,
allow ourselves and others to be who we truly are;
ourselves.

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natural factors

I am listening to a song called 'west coast friendship'. Today I went to hot yoga for the first time. It was hard. I was going to write a long detailed, heart pouring out post today (I haven't posted for so very long), but then I remembered something becki told me about 'the blogger mindset' society seems to have these days. And so I shall leave it at this (the list I wrote so I wouldn't forget everything I want to think about/clear up in my mind and heart):
summer
loneliness
disconnectedness
missing people
realizing your own destiny
following your dreams

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pure.mango.juice.

Today I gained a lot of respect for seafaring people. When I was out on the open ocean and the wind and water were spraying up into my face, I started wondering how they put up with that for months on end. I love it, don't get me wrong. It makes me feel so very alive when I am out there, I embrace the cold, and look into the wind, but I think I would tire of it. I think, eventually, I would want a warm bed. A bed that didn't rock or roll and a view other than the amazing waves and the horizon. These I think I would also, eventually, grow tired of, but right now they still make me feel connected to the earth, to nature. I love the way they roll, seducing anyone who dares watch for more than a few seconds. And then out of the water, just above the rolling mass of water, you will see a whale's blow (it actually reminds me of the way fungal puff balls spread their spores). And, slowly, the back surfaces. Today we saw one flipping and twisting, its tail out of the water, and flapping on the surface. These whales...they make me feel something...I am not quite sure what it is, but it is something. It's real and deep, though. Maybe it is a connection to earlier times, times when we respected them more. Maybe it is friendship; I often get the urge to jump into the water with them and swim away.
A little girl yesterday asked me if whales were my favourite animal. That made me smile because, frankly, I haven't thought about 'favourites' for a long time. But, maybe they are. I sure do love them. I love their mystery and their fragility. Their connection to the past, their, seeming, wisdom.
In one of Di Brandt's poems, there is a line; 'the whale inside you' the phrase is later repeated as 'the wail inside you'. But, she makes many a reference to whales as fragile parts of ourselves. Do I have one of these huge, magnificent beasts living inside? It sometimes feels like it.

Peace will come to all humankind when we make peace with the whales and hear their song.
*ancient prophecy brought to the west coast in 1988

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vitamin c in a bottle

What am I doing here? Although doubt has yet to completely take hold of me, this question has plagued me for a while here. It is not quite as I expected...but I know I just need to give it more time. I need to meet people my own age and get out of this house more. But it's hard. It's hard to be motivated to do things alone. I want a friend to come with me to the ocean so I can hold their hand and we can jump over waves together. I want someone to laugh with when I see all the cliche small town things. I want someone to hug.

I suppose I'm just spoiled. My whole life has been spent surrounded by people who love me and who I love. I am so lucky to have so many friends and people that I can hug and play with and laugh with. But it's hard, this solitude. It's very hard for me. Maybe because now I'm really having to take a good look at who I am, without these other people, or maybe it's just hard. I don't know.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
*Anais Nin

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jasmine and orange

the moon is beautiful tonight. She's reminding us of hope. And connecting us in so many ways we will never know. I have learned to find so much hope in her light. when I look out my window and see her rising in the night sky, it overwhelms me with joy. Sometimes the joy feels sorrowful too....but it is definitely joy. She is the light rising through the darkness, the hope that you sometimes can't find. She is 'walking through the valley of death'. Every night donning her walking shoes and and braving reality, taking what seems like an endless abyss of black. darkness. and turning it into something beautiful. Some nights she hides, as we all do, behind clouds, wind, rain. But always she returns, still shining, cycling, changing.

The moon reminds me that I am a woman. And that this is something of which I am proud. She reminds me of the deep, beautiful connection I share with all other women. Looking at the moon sometimes makes me long for the days when all women were truly connected through the cycles of the moon...but now we all twirl alone, our connectivity lost through pollution, electric light, and stress. But her ability to connect, to inject our arteries with the pulse of mother earth, and to know that others, too, are sharing in this beat still remains.

Is that what we have to settle for these days? The things that still remain. Small, insufficient remnants of what once was a beautiful future. I hope not. And hope is all I can really do.

hope dangles on a string
like slow spinning redemption
winding in winding out
the shine of it has caught my eye
*dashboard

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another

breaking
wind
breaking
skin
nose running and cheeks
burning
horns honk
sometimes mine
but usually not
usually at me
usually not yours
Beep beep beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeeeepp
it goes
beep?
i ask
looking for clarification
wanting to be let into the lane
in on the secret
and i see you
anger
shame
embarrassment
get out of the way!
get a light

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dry hands and an empty glass

why he can't just say it
i like you
and mean it
and mean it more than once
why he can't see me more than once
more than once and want it
why he can't want me again
want me again today and again tomorrow
and and and
why his hands call me baby
but his eyes call me friend
why he can('t) simply
be
happy.

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Who'd Have Known

I've spent a ridiculous amount of time writing biology cue cards today.

I wish I had a comfortable relationship full of love.

I'm realizing that maybe, like the mission statement of House Church, I should be happy 'going not knowing'.

I'm trying to find joy in the small things in life...making a good dinner, laughing with my Mum, sunshine.
Yet I feel unsatisfied with this...whether it is because I am simply someone who will never BE satisfied, or because I want to know what is real, what will make me feel truly happy, and that life really, truly is worth living. That MY life really, truly is worth living.

Who have I affected, changed. Who is different because of me? I write earlier that everyone affects everyone with whom they come in contact with...but if this is true, perhaps my quest, my longing for more, is even more meaningless. Perhaps this means that, no matter what, I will affect as many people in my life as the average white housewife living in upper middle class suburbia having an affair with the mailman.

I'm listening to a lot of Lily Allen recently...and she's making me think that maybe I should try to find happiness and joy simply in the little things in my life. And that I should stop taking life so seriously. What do all these little, insignificant things mean anyway? What do they matter, in the grand scheme of things? And who ever got to decide what is right and what is wrong...morally, even?

I am wondering how it is that I am affecting people. When my parents speak of me as a child, they speak of a balanced girl, a relaxed soul, one who wanted only a hug for Christmas. And I wonder who this beast is that the little girl has become. Who WANTS so much, who feels like the rope is constantly slipping through her fingers, who is anything but relaxed.

I feel like, so often, my stress, my preoccupation with school, with my own life, prevents me from really being able to listen to others, to their souls, to my soul, even. I think sometimes I get so caught up thinking that my life is so important and is really all that others need to know about, that I forget that they have their own lives, which I do not know, but they might want to share a small piece of it with me.

And the scary thing is....I often think the tiny piece of their life that I get to try, tastes better than mine.

You put your arm around my shoulder. It was as if the room got colder. We moved closer in together. And started talking bout the weather. Said tomorrow would be fun. We can watch A Place In The Sun. I didn't know where this was going.

When you kissed me.
Lily Allen*

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cold, cold water

I'm all mixed up.

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bitter noir

Currently on a quick break from writing an English essay that is worth 15% of my mark. (AAAAAH!!!). It's not actually going that badly, and I kind of feel like writing right now. I really love the play I'm writing about, which makes it a lot more bearable than writing about the always exciting Casino Royale. I am wondering some things right now....although I feel quite content with the wondering. I feel at a very good stage in my life...that I am really LIVING. Even though my living right now consists mainly of reading text books and writing essays and memorizing french vocabulary words. I feel like the library at school should be renamed "Mim's room". But, the beautiful thing is, I'm okay with that.

I am wondering....if I really will ever find love, if it's okay to let people down. I wonder if life is meant to be lived the way I am living it, or if I am overlooking something monumental. I wonder if it's okay to just experience things and think later. I wonder where I will be in ten years...or two years...or one year, for that matter.

I have been repeating this mantra to myself today, and plan to continue at least until reading week:

"I am a strong and capable woman."

It's very empowering and helped me to get up this morning. It reminds me that I CAN do this...this school work, this life, this workout, this conversation....etc. etc. It helps me to keep in mind that nothing life throws at me will ever be too big or too deep or too hard. That the strength I possess, if I allow it to, will always, and has already, won. There is so much power inside of me that I have been ignoring for a while, and now I'm letting it out and it feels awesome.

Everyone's gone to the party, won't you come if I come with a friend for your friend. I'd be so pleased to see you out of the classroom wearing the smile I'll bring you. I was hoping to learn a few things.
Dashboard*

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impending doom

I want this...kind of...

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Maroon Five*

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here if you want

The other night I was feeling so sad and tired and unenergized. And it surprised me how, after supper, I felt so rejuvenated. This is a strange thing to blog about, I guess...but whatever, it was awesome and so obvious. I felt physically nourished, because I had eaten, duh. But I also just was able to take those forty minutes and replenish the love in my heart, to remember that I live with people who care about me and who support me, who make me laugh and help me to see life with a much more realistic point of view. I've been thinking about this a lot for the past few days after that evening, and trying to notice it...and giving myself the freedom to just talk to people when I feel dejected and overwhelmed by homework, but getting up and stretching and giving my roommates hugs, and just lighting candles and incense and listening to a song or two. It's incredible what this does for my spirit, I almost always feel so much better and have a better attitude toward my stack of work.

I love how my life is right now....it feels so full of what it should be full of...passion and beauty, love, great friends, wine, school, books, tea......it feels so right. And what a wonderful feeling. It hasn't been here for quite some time, and I hope it decides to stay.

People don't hunger only for food. How easy that would be, so basic and crude. There's so much more you need just to help nourish you.
The Waifs *

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I'm going back to the start

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson*

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lactose intolerance

BAH. I am seriously delayed. I have no idea what I want and then I act rashly and make decisions about my life. I haven't a clue how to live 'free' and just let things go. I want to be in control, so I don't make myself vulnerable. Or maybe I just care too much, if I'm confused, they must not be, so I don't want to mix them up and make their heart hurt and mixed up. Maybe I think about others when really all I want is to start making decisions that I think are right when I look at the big picture. Or maybe it's the other way around. SHIT.

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the lingering taste of banana and peanut butter

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. I feel like that's all I'm saying these days. And, I wonder where the hellos are for me. For these wonderful people I am bidding farewell, the hellos are obvious - they are off to experience 'the world' (whatever that means). They will find beautiful art, mountains, rivers, fields; they will find people who have hope despite their seemingly hopeless situations, and in this they will say hello to beauty. Their hellos will come in the form of new friends, and, even more importantly, in the form of self-discovery. But I wonder where my hellos are....and how I will find them and realize them.

I suppose my hellos are just simpler (or seem more 'normal'), but maybe are there anyway. It's all perspective. I guess. Maybe my hellos are in the development of a new kind of friendship. My hellos are watching my sister, from afar, become a woman. Maybe I am saying hello to a new kind of fear...fear of committing to something, fear of letting go, of being honest, of just allowing my heart to actually win for once...and fear of not knowing which side my heart is on.

My life is only nearing the beginning...and yet, I feel like what I am doing right now is so monumental to everything else. I want to realize the purpose of my life...but I know that this probably won't ever happen, let alone in the next few weeks or months.

I seem to want so much...I create such perfect visions in my imagination that real life is disappointing more often than not. I think I've been waiting for someone who is going to be able to read my mind, when what I really need to do is just start making my mind readable.

How I wish you could see the potential, the potential of you and me. It's like a book elegantly bound, but in a language you can't read just yet.
*Death Cab For Cutie

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two candles

we will never realize how much we are connected.
All of us...you, me, the world...on every level.

Quotes that struck me from Dry Lips Oughta Move to Kapuskasing by Tomson Highway

We've got to learn to dance again.

What happened to all those dreams you were so full of for your people, the same dreams this young man died for?

Too many times married men think they're still single, that caused many a good girl to go wrong.

The fact of the matter is, it never should have happened, that kind of thing should never be allowed to happen, not to us Indians, not to anyone living and breathing on the face of God's green earth.

This is not the kind of Earth we want to inherit.

It's true what they say, isn't it? I'm a bastard aren't I?

God! God of the Indian! God of the Whiteman! God Al-fucking-mighty! Whatever the fuck your name is. Why are you doing this to us? Why are you doing this to us?

Men who do not worship the Christian way do not automatically go to hell. There are many, many other ways of communicating with the Great Spirit. And they are all legitimate. What them priests said about me - about us - is not right. It's just not right. Respect us. Respect all people.

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