A night without end

This is going to sound depressing...but I guess it kind of is. I often get these feelings of emptiness. That I am entirely alone and that nothing I can do and nothing anyone else can say will ever make that go away. It's a feeling I would describe with the colour black. An absence of light...an unending abyss of nothingness. At times like these I will look in the mirror and see absolutely nothing, and feel nothing. It is not that I am angry...because I'm not, or that I'm happy. I am simply existing...and I suppose for me, existing as a machine has never been, and will never be good enough.

I had a moment like this last night. We had just got home from readymix and I felt completely meaningless. It's such a low...because I believe that everyone is connected...that if you go to the very very depths of every human being, we are all one. So a feeling like this seems unnatural and ignorant to me - but it happens to me often, particularly when I'm going through a change. I know that I think about and contemplate things a lot more than many people my age, and that's what my parents often diagnose this feeling of lonliness or nothingness as...but I don't think that's correct. I think it's simply giving in to what constantly pushes on the edges of my consciousness...for a few moments...the possibility that we are not here for a reason. That there is nothing more than taking in oxygen and putting out carbon dioxide. Although I very strongly do NOT believe this, I know that it is one of the endless possibilities that could be true of existence. And maybe it scares me a little bit.

I know that others feel empty sometimes too...and maybe it is our emptiness...the feeling of a lack of connection...that truly connects us. Perhaps the real meaning in life is realizing that there is no meaning. I don't know...I don't really think that...at all...but...yeah. There has to be something more...but I just don't know what it is...but what do I know anyways, I'm just a little kid.