barricade

What an interesting life I have....it's so normal, but often feels so complex. (oh how could anyone not want to rip it all apart/oh how could anyone not love your cold black heart). I think more and more I'm starting to actually believe that sometimes, sometimes, you can just let yourself experience things...that I do not need (there's only darkness at the finish/meet me at the barricade/I'll be at the barricade) to be in control of everything in my life. (the love died but the hate can't fade) I think...I hope that I am slowly learning to just let myself see things as they really are. To let myself see me as I really am. Maybe. Maybe for a moment, or a day, or an hour, maybe I feel so fully like myself, I just smile. I am starting to realize what I actually like doing...and perhaps this is the beginning of a very long journey to figuring out where I want my life to go, and it is a step on the path I began eighteen years ago to defining who I am.

I love to dance. Baths. I love drinking wine. Spending time with friends. I hate clubs. I love woolen socks. Clean rooms. Dirty rooms. Art........(in its entirety...music, paintings, photographs, fashion, sculptures....). I love helping people and I love to play in the rain. I love to scream and laugh.

I don't feel like doing that anymore. I want so much for myself that often I begin to focus so much on this that I forget to see others for who they really are, and what they need in their lives. The values of society have so corrupted our thinking that we always need more. Christmas disgusts me. The way it has transformed from a holiday of love to a holiday of unnecessary consumerism and selfishness and greediness. All I want to know is when the season of hope, of love, and peace became filled with hate and stress and suicide.

Why can't the ending be happy? Why must it always resolve this way? -Stars