the lingering taste of banana and peanut butter

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. I feel like that's all I'm saying these days. And, I wonder where the hellos are for me. For these wonderful people I am bidding farewell, the hellos are obvious - they are off to experience 'the world' (whatever that means). They will find beautiful art, mountains, rivers, fields; they will find people who have hope despite their seemingly hopeless situations, and in this they will say hello to beauty. Their hellos will come in the form of new friends, and, even more importantly, in the form of self-discovery. But I wonder where my hellos are....and how I will find them and realize them.

I suppose my hellos are just simpler (or seem more 'normal'), but maybe are there anyway. It's all perspective. I guess. Maybe my hellos are in the development of a new kind of friendship. My hellos are watching my sister, from afar, become a woman. Maybe I am saying hello to a new kind of fear...fear of committing to something, fear of letting go, of being honest, of just allowing my heart to actually win for once...and fear of not knowing which side my heart is on.

My life is only nearing the beginning...and yet, I feel like what I am doing right now is so monumental to everything else. I want to realize the purpose of my life...but I know that this probably won't ever happen, let alone in the next few weeks or months.

I seem to want so much...I create such perfect visions in my imagination that real life is disappointing more often than not. I think I've been waiting for someone who is going to be able to read my mind, when what I really need to do is just start making my mind readable.

How I wish you could see the potential, the potential of you and me. It's like a book elegantly bound, but in a language you can't read just yet.
*Death Cab For Cutie