white and red flashing lights

there were an unusually large amount of sirens in the neighbourhood tonight. and it made me worry about the three little boys that came to climb our roof this afternoon. it made me hope and pray that they are all safe at home, tucked into bed with a kiss, a bedtime story, and a night snack. but the harsh knowledge of the likelihood that my prayers are presently being answered also burns in my heart. I want so much for them, and for all the kids in my neighbourhood...and beyond. there is so much there inside of children...so much more than there is in me. more life, more wonder, more excitement, more imagination. perhaps the path to death is just simply a slow process of emptying. and then refilling. and death comes once you have learned enough to be full once again.

today, talking to these boys brought back strong feelings and memories of volunteering for a day at pritchard place, a drop in centre for children in the north end. it seems so close to my heart, whether it is because i grew up so close to here or for some other reason. all I want to do is give my love out. i remember reading the glass castle and teaching those boys about climbing roofs reminded me of the parenting method that was so clearly evident in that book.

i love living here. experiencing so many things that are new to me; talking to the lady at the MCC store about the other second hand shops in the area, talking to the old lady there about how she knows my old neighbours from steinbach, seeing a little boy riding his bike by himself, meeting a friendly man, watching a young mother show her baby son a singing stuffed animal, breathing in the air that has become such a comfort, seeing a crazy stray dog chase bicyclers (ok, i admit that one freaked me out a bit more than it made me smile), reading at my desk, biking past all the 'renovations by timbuck 2' signs, smelling perth's as i ride past...there are so many things that are becoming a part of my daily routine that are so beautiful.

'dream big dreams'.........

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A night without end

This is going to sound depressing...but I guess it kind of is. I often get these feelings of emptiness. That I am entirely alone and that nothing I can do and nothing anyone else can say will ever make that go away. It's a feeling I would describe with the colour black. An absence of light...an unending abyss of nothingness. At times like these I will look in the mirror and see absolutely nothing, and feel nothing. It is not that I am angry...because I'm not, or that I'm happy. I am simply existing...and I suppose for me, existing as a machine has never been, and will never be good enough.

I had a moment like this last night. We had just got home from readymix and I felt completely meaningless. It's such a low...because I believe that everyone is connected...that if you go to the very very depths of every human being, we are all one. So a feeling like this seems unnatural and ignorant to me - but it happens to me often, particularly when I'm going through a change. I know that I think about and contemplate things a lot more than many people my age, and that's what my parents often diagnose this feeling of lonliness or nothingness as...but I don't think that's correct. I think it's simply giving in to what constantly pushes on the edges of my consciousness...for a few moments...the possibility that we are not here for a reason. That there is nothing more than taking in oxygen and putting out carbon dioxide. Although I very strongly do NOT believe this, I know that it is one of the endless possibilities that could be true of existence. And maybe it scares me a little bit.

I know that others feel empty sometimes too...and maybe it is our emptiness...the feeling of a lack of connection...that truly connects us. Perhaps the real meaning in life is realizing that there is no meaning. I don't know...I don't really think that...at all...but...yeah. There has to be something more...but I just don't know what it is...but what do I know anyways, I'm just a little kid.

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vibrations on a namebrand mousepad

well here I am...an official university student, sitting at an ancient computer in the library...it's kind of weird. I've been feeling so many different things these past few days; confusion - about whether or not this is really where I want to be...not only in university, but which program I'm in, and if I am being the person that I want to be. I have felt anger - at myself for not embracing the experience to its fullest potential, at others becuase they can't read my mind...I have been sad - because I find new beginning difficult, and I want to be myself and be unafraid to show the world and everyone in it who that is, but I still struggle with it every minute of every day. Because I'm still attempting to figure out who exactly it is I want to show the world. I have been tired and stressed and worried that I don't fit in - at university or with the people in my house.

I suppose these are all very normal feelings to have, particularly at this point in my life, where so much is ending and even more is starting to bloom. But they do get overwhelming from time to time. I am worried that I will get caught up in this new 'university' lifestyle that I will cease to continue contact with my friends who are not within a ten minute bike ride of my house. I am scared that my relationship with my sister may suffer from the distance, and I am worried that her spending her last few years at home, which are crucial to the forming of the personality, may be tainted because I am not there to guide her through things that our parents seem to have pegged as taboos. I just sometimes wish that parents would be more honest with themselves and their children...

I guess a lot of people just need to stop denying things to themselves and dive into the depths of the unknown. I just read an English assignment that talked about how, when we finally surrender to ourselves, when we allow ourselves just to trust, this is when we begin to understand the vastness of our knowledge and wisdom...just food for thought.

Now I'm going to get free food for my tummy...because with becoming an official university student comes becoming an official poor university student who takes any free food possible. :D

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