why he can't just say it
i like you
and mean it
and mean it more than once
why he can't see me more than once
more than once and want it
why he can't want me again
want me again today and again tomorrow
and and and
why his hands call me baby
but his eyes call me friend
why he can('t) simply
be
happy.
I've spent a ridiculous amount of time writing biology cue cards today.
I wish I had a comfortable relationship full of love.
I'm realizing that maybe, like the mission statement of House Church, I should be happy 'going not knowing'.
I'm trying to find joy in the small things in life...making a good dinner, laughing with my Mum, sunshine.
Yet I feel unsatisfied with this...whether it is because I am simply someone who will never BE satisfied, or because I want to know what is real, what will make me feel truly happy, and that life really, truly is worth living. That MY life really, truly is worth living.
Who have I affected, changed. Who is different because of me? I write earlier that everyone affects everyone with whom they come in contact with...but if this is true, perhaps my quest, my longing for more, is even more meaningless. Perhaps this means that, no matter what, I will affect as many people in my life as the average white housewife living in upper middle class suburbia having an affair with the mailman.
I'm listening to a lot of Lily Allen recently...and she's making me think that maybe I should try to find happiness and joy simply in the little things in my life. And that I should stop taking life so seriously. What do all these little, insignificant things mean anyway? What do they matter, in the grand scheme of things? And who ever got to decide what is right and what is wrong...morally, even?
I am wondering how it is that I am affecting people. When my parents speak of me as a child, they speak of a balanced girl, a relaxed soul, one who wanted only a hug for Christmas. And I wonder who this beast is that the little girl has become. Who WANTS so much, who feels like the rope is constantly slipping through her fingers, who is anything but relaxed.
I feel like, so often, my stress, my preoccupation with school, with my own life, prevents me from really being able to listen to others, to their souls, to my soul, even. I think sometimes I get so caught up thinking that my life is so important and is really all that others need to know about, that I forget that they have their own lives, which I do not know, but they might want to share a small piece of it with me.
And the scary thing is....I often think the tiny piece of their life that I get to try, tastes better than mine.
You put your arm around my shoulder. It was as if the room got colder. We moved closer in together. And started talking bout the weather. Said tomorrow would be fun. We can watch A Place In The Sun. I didn't know where this was going.
When you kissed me.
Lily Allen*
Currently on a quick break from writing an English essay that is worth 15% of my mark. (AAAAAH!!!). It's not actually going that badly, and I kind of feel like writing right now. I really love the play I'm writing about, which makes it a lot more bearable than writing about the always exciting Casino Royale. I am wondering some things right now....although I feel quite content with the wondering. I feel at a very good stage in my life...that I am really LIVING. Even though my living right now consists mainly of reading text books and writing essays and memorizing french vocabulary words. I feel like the library at school should be renamed "Mim's room". But, the beautiful thing is, I'm okay with that.
I am wondering....if I really will ever find love, if it's okay to let people down. I wonder if life is meant to be lived the way I am living it, or if I am overlooking something monumental. I wonder if it's okay to just experience things and think later. I wonder where I will be in ten years...or two years...or one year, for that matter.
I have been repeating this mantra to myself today, and plan to continue at least until reading week:
"I am a strong and capable woman."
It's very empowering and helped me to get up this morning. It reminds me that I CAN do this...this school work, this life, this workout, this conversation....etc. etc. It helps me to keep in mind that nothing life throws at me will ever be too big or too deep or too hard. That the strength I possess, if I allow it to, will always, and has already, won. There is so much power inside of me that I have been ignoring for a while, and now I'm letting it out and it feels awesome.
Everyone's gone to the party, won't you come if I come with a friend for your friend. I'd be so pleased to see you out of the classroom wearing the smile I'll bring you. I was hoping to learn a few things.
Dashboard*
I want this...kind of...
Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else
I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved
Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get insecure
It doesn't matter anymore
It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved
I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls
Maroon Five*
The other night I was feeling so sad and tired and unenergized. And it surprised me how, after supper, I felt so rejuvenated. This is a strange thing to blog about, I guess...but whatever, it was awesome and so obvious. I felt physically nourished, because I had eaten, duh. But I also just was able to take those forty minutes and replenish the love in my heart, to remember that I live with people who care about me and who support me, who make me laugh and help me to see life with a much more realistic point of view. I've been thinking about this a lot for the past few days after that evening, and trying to notice it...and giving myself the freedom to just talk to people when I feel dejected and overwhelmed by homework, but getting up and stretching and giving my roommates hugs, and just lighting candles and incense and listening to a song or two. It's incredible what this does for my spirit, I almost always feel so much better and have a better attitude toward my stack of work.
I love how my life is right now....it feels so full of what it should be full of...passion and beauty, love, great friends, wine, school, books, tea......it feels so right. And what a wonderful feeling. It hasn't been here for quite some time, and I hope it decides to stay.
People don't hunger only for food. How easy that would be, so basic and crude. There's so much more you need just to help nourish you.
The Waifs *
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Marianne Williamson*
