white and red flashing lights

there were an unusually large amount of sirens in the neighbourhood tonight. and it made me worry about the three little boys that came to climb our roof this afternoon. it made me hope and pray that they are all safe at home, tucked into bed with a kiss, a bedtime story, and a night snack. but the harsh knowledge of the likelihood that my prayers are presently being answered also burns in my heart. I want so much for them, and for all the kids in my neighbourhood...and beyond. there is so much there inside of children...so much more than there is in me. more life, more wonder, more excitement, more imagination. perhaps the path to death is just simply a slow process of emptying. and then refilling. and death comes once you have learned enough to be full once again.

today, talking to these boys brought back strong feelings and memories of volunteering for a day at pritchard place, a drop in centre for children in the north end. it seems so close to my heart, whether it is because i grew up so close to here or for some other reason. all I want to do is give my love out. i remember reading the glass castle and teaching those boys about climbing roofs reminded me of the parenting method that was so clearly evident in that book.

i love living here. experiencing so many things that are new to me; talking to the lady at the MCC store about the other second hand shops in the area, talking to the old lady there about how she knows my old neighbours from steinbach, seeing a little boy riding his bike by himself, meeting a friendly man, watching a young mother show her baby son a singing stuffed animal, breathing in the air that has become such a comfort, seeing a crazy stray dog chase bicyclers (ok, i admit that one freaked me out a bit more than it made me smile), reading at my desk, biking past all the 'renovations by timbuck 2' signs, smelling perth's as i ride past...there are so many things that are becoming a part of my daily routine that are so beautiful.

'dream big dreams'.........

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A night without end

This is going to sound depressing...but I guess it kind of is. I often get these feelings of emptiness. That I am entirely alone and that nothing I can do and nothing anyone else can say will ever make that go away. It's a feeling I would describe with the colour black. An absence of light...an unending abyss of nothingness. At times like these I will look in the mirror and see absolutely nothing, and feel nothing. It is not that I am angry...because I'm not, or that I'm happy. I am simply existing...and I suppose for me, existing as a machine has never been, and will never be good enough.

I had a moment like this last night. We had just got home from readymix and I felt completely meaningless. It's such a low...because I believe that everyone is connected...that if you go to the very very depths of every human being, we are all one. So a feeling like this seems unnatural and ignorant to me - but it happens to me often, particularly when I'm going through a change. I know that I think about and contemplate things a lot more than many people my age, and that's what my parents often diagnose this feeling of lonliness or nothingness as...but I don't think that's correct. I think it's simply giving in to what constantly pushes on the edges of my consciousness...for a few moments...the possibility that we are not here for a reason. That there is nothing more than taking in oxygen and putting out carbon dioxide. Although I very strongly do NOT believe this, I know that it is one of the endless possibilities that could be true of existence. And maybe it scares me a little bit.

I know that others feel empty sometimes too...and maybe it is our emptiness...the feeling of a lack of connection...that truly connects us. Perhaps the real meaning in life is realizing that there is no meaning. I don't know...I don't really think that...at all...but...yeah. There has to be something more...but I just don't know what it is...but what do I know anyways, I'm just a little kid.

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vibrations on a namebrand mousepad

well here I am...an official university student, sitting at an ancient computer in the library...it's kind of weird. I've been feeling so many different things these past few days; confusion - about whether or not this is really where I want to be...not only in university, but which program I'm in, and if I am being the person that I want to be. I have felt anger - at myself for not embracing the experience to its fullest potential, at others becuase they can't read my mind...I have been sad - because I find new beginning difficult, and I want to be myself and be unafraid to show the world and everyone in it who that is, but I still struggle with it every minute of every day. Because I'm still attempting to figure out who exactly it is I want to show the world. I have been tired and stressed and worried that I don't fit in - at university or with the people in my house.

I suppose these are all very normal feelings to have, particularly at this point in my life, where so much is ending and even more is starting to bloom. But they do get overwhelming from time to time. I am worried that I will get caught up in this new 'university' lifestyle that I will cease to continue contact with my friends who are not within a ten minute bike ride of my house. I am scared that my relationship with my sister may suffer from the distance, and I am worried that her spending her last few years at home, which are crucial to the forming of the personality, may be tainted because I am not there to guide her through things that our parents seem to have pegged as taboos. I just sometimes wish that parents would be more honest with themselves and their children...

I guess a lot of people just need to stop denying things to themselves and dive into the depths of the unknown. I just read an English assignment that talked about how, when we finally surrender to ourselves, when we allow ourselves just to trust, this is when we begin to understand the vastness of our knowledge and wisdom...just food for thought.

Now I'm going to get free food for my tummy...because with becoming an official university student comes becoming an official poor university student who takes any free food possible. :D

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one for the money, two for the show...

Well it's been a while since I've felt this introspective...and because of that, and because summer is quickly drawing to a close, I decided that it was a good time to start doing this whole thing again. So here we go...life is so short and people don't do enough with it. Like...I guess growing up and just realizing that literally ANYTHING can be done has made me come to the conclusion that so many people are not getting as much out of life as they could. That they have yet to reach their full potential, or to find their true passion, or love, or happiness. I think so many people get caught up doing what's "normal" that they forget to think about what they truly want. It's scary sometimes...thinking about how I may end up in the town I grew up in, teaching at a school that I went to, teaching my former classmate's children. Thinking about this makes me want to run away, just to leave for a while, so that I know that it's possible and probable and that the world is accessible to me. To remind myself that 'the earth delights to feel my bare feet and the wind longs to play with my hair' (kahlil gibran).

I have been realizing, more than usual lately, how many wonderful people I have in my life. I actually was getting fed up with it the other day because I thought I had too many friends and I feel like I am constantly letting people down; that I DON'T do things with people more often than I do do things with them. It's a wonderful thing to be stressed about...but it does provide me with a fair bit of stress. Anyways...that's not exactly what I meant by the opening sentence of this paragraph. I wanted to comment on the people who inspire me, who encourage me. I am incredibly blessed to have grown up surrounded by a community of people who love and support me and who respect my views and just...aaaaah, everything. Graduating, and getting older, and being introspective have also helped me to see how certain people have helped shape different parts of my personality and who I am today. It's crazy how just one little decision, a few words so many years ago, one hug, an email, or you know, just those small everyday decisions we make without really thinking about the long term effect it's going to have on our lives how they DO affect us. So so so much. How a decision you make today could completely change the person you are in three or four or ten years.

Recently I've been connecting really well with someone that I've known since I was three but never really talked to or spent time with or particularly enjoyed the company of. It's not that I didn't enjoy his company...it's just that it was never really something I looked forward to or came away from feeling light and happy and just fufilled and like my life will benefit from our conversation. Like...some people I feel this connection with like, I guess a deeper connection. I think you can experience God just through conversation or spending time with people. Last night was so magical for so many reasons...and one of the things I thought about was how it often feels like there is a closer connection with others when you are silent together, but you are listening to the silence. This, for me, is when I feel the most inner connection with others. It's when our very spirits combine and dance together in the moonlight, or the sunshine, or the rain. It's when, as my friend said, we can finally be honest with each other. And honesty may not be talking, it might just be listening. Together. I think this honesty, this connection also comes when we revert back to childhood, to innocence, to spontaneity. It seems to me that children are often just as wise as old people...we somehow lose this wisdom when the world takes over our minds, and then slowly we must purge ourselves of our brainwashing and become truly young once again. I guess everything's like that...you know ashes to ashes...that whole deal...we're corrupted as teenagers and middleaged people so much. We worry waaaay too much about social correctness, and who thinks what, and what we wear, and who we're talking to, and who we spend time with, and hurt feelings...it's simply exhausting. ew.

Anyways, enough ranting. One of my BIG goals for the summer was to focus on healing...and this has come true for me tenfold. I've had amazing conversations with even more amazing people, I've had nights filled with tea and laughter and tears, naked dips in the lake, midnight canoes, early morning kayaks, I've just had, or taken, the time to step back and realize that my life is wonderful - and to appreciate right NOW in this very moment, with who I am, wherever I am. I am so content right now...spiritually, with friends, with family, with changes and moving, with who I am, with everything and where it has taken me and where it will take me.

I am happy here.








One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready.....here I goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

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Tomorrow is grad. That scares me. Lots. I have recently been feeling so down. It's like there's a constant cloud of sadness inside of me. Sometimes it doesn't come forward and there are definitely times when I am so happy and just enjoying life, and when I feel happy with the way I am living life and the way my life is right now, but the sadness always comes back.

I am trying to learn to live with love, and to make all my decisions based on love instead of on personal preferences. This is hard, though.

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like water

I think one of the most important things in life is learning to let things flow. To just jump on and go for a ride....like, I don't think that we should act like we have no responsibility, but I think it's important to allow yourself to just be swept up by a moment, or a situation; and then allow yourself to fully experience it right then. I think that too many people find themselves thinking too much about things that, in the grand scheme of life, really don't matter. And I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to be free, I want to be a teenager, I just want to be able to be me no matter what the cost, and I want to stop feeling apologetic for that. It's sick how today's society has us programmed to believe that we will never be good enough...and I wish I had less trouble ignoring this voice...but the truth is that I don't. I hear it constantly taunting me and I'm tired of it. I am tired of worrying what others are going to think, and doing things because they're expected of me. I'm tired of lies and forced laughs and I'm tired of high school drama. Even though I'm going to miss high school so very much, I'm beginning to agree with dad when he says I'm ready to move on, because I am...and I think I have been for a while. There is so much more for me in life that trying to hold on to life as I know it right now would be absolutely unfair to myself. I am ready. I'm ready to just be in the world and wander around. Without an end point in sight and without someone telling me what to do. I am ready to become water in the hands of my life.

and simply

flow.

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february air

I am not doing well. Although life is fine...and I am generally happy and content with the way things are going right now...my heart still hurts. It is taking me longer than expected to get over this. Today I've been having a hard time of it. I feel hypersensitive to anything that reminds me of him...and although I know this will pass, and that it's okay for me to be feeling these things and going through these emotions...I would like very much to go back and erase anything in my memory of him or us. That sounds slightly childish, but it is my deepest desire right now.

At the same time, I am surprising myself with how well I am doing. I had an incredible weekend, and I feel so much more like myself than I have in a while. Maybe it's because right now I feel vulnerable...so it's okay if I just let everything hang out and allow people to see the real mim, and all of me. I'm not sure what it is. Although I hate what has happened...I am also feeling free and that in a year, or five years, or whenever, I'm going to look back and smile because this happened.

I told my friend the other day that I'm trying to remember how happy I was when things were good...and not focus so much on the bitterness and hate that is simmering right now. Hate never did any good for the world, and so why would I want to nurture it? I once read that hate is easy, but love takes courage, and I am trying to really take that to heart right now. Even though everything is going to be different, and things are, inevitably, going to be strange and we might feel like we are constantly on tip toe around each other for a while, I think it's going to be okay. Forgiveness will come.

'my arms get cold in february air. please don't lose hold of me out there.' -lights

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