Tomorrow is grad. That scares me. Lots. I have recently been feeling so down. It's like there's a constant cloud of sadness inside of me. Sometimes it doesn't come forward and there are definitely times when I am so happy and just enjoying life, and when I feel happy with the way I am living life and the way my life is right now, but the sadness always comes back.

I am trying to learn to live with love, and to make all my decisions based on love instead of on personal preferences. This is hard, though.

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like water

I think one of the most important things in life is learning to let things flow. To just jump on and go for a ride....like, I don't think that we should act like we have no responsibility, but I think it's important to allow yourself to just be swept up by a moment, or a situation; and then allow yourself to fully experience it right then. I think that too many people find themselves thinking too much about things that, in the grand scheme of life, really don't matter. And I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to be free, I want to be a teenager, I just want to be able to be me no matter what the cost, and I want to stop feeling apologetic for that. It's sick how today's society has us programmed to believe that we will never be good enough...and I wish I had less trouble ignoring this voice...but the truth is that I don't. I hear it constantly taunting me and I'm tired of it. I am tired of worrying what others are going to think, and doing things because they're expected of me. I'm tired of lies and forced laughs and I'm tired of high school drama. Even though I'm going to miss high school so very much, I'm beginning to agree with dad when he says I'm ready to move on, because I am...and I think I have been for a while. There is so much more for me in life that trying to hold on to life as I know it right now would be absolutely unfair to myself. I am ready. I'm ready to just be in the world and wander around. Without an end point in sight and without someone telling me what to do. I am ready to become water in the hands of my life.

and simply

flow.

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february air

I am not doing well. Although life is fine...and I am generally happy and content with the way things are going right now...my heart still hurts. It is taking me longer than expected to get over this. Today I've been having a hard time of it. I feel hypersensitive to anything that reminds me of him...and although I know this will pass, and that it's okay for me to be feeling these things and going through these emotions...I would like very much to go back and erase anything in my memory of him or us. That sounds slightly childish, but it is my deepest desire right now.

At the same time, I am surprising myself with how well I am doing. I had an incredible weekend, and I feel so much more like myself than I have in a while. Maybe it's because right now I feel vulnerable...so it's okay if I just let everything hang out and allow people to see the real mim, and all of me. I'm not sure what it is. Although I hate what has happened...I am also feeling free and that in a year, or five years, or whenever, I'm going to look back and smile because this happened.

I told my friend the other day that I'm trying to remember how happy I was when things were good...and not focus so much on the bitterness and hate that is simmering right now. Hate never did any good for the world, and so why would I want to nurture it? I once read that hate is easy, but love takes courage, and I am trying to really take that to heart right now. Even though everything is going to be different, and things are, inevitably, going to be strange and we might feel like we are constantly on tip toe around each other for a while, I think it's going to be okay. Forgiveness will come.

'my arms get cold in february air. please don't lose hold of me out there.' -lights

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one more night

I am realizing that lives are built upon perspective. If you think about it....all the opinions you disagree with will seem logical if you imagine you had grown up in their situation...generally. I just think that we all need to take a few chill pills and realize that life is all about having fun. Letting ourselves make our own choices and not caring if other people make different choices, or if they make choices you disagree with. Some of the world's most influential people were the ones who encouraged acceptance. It's so crucial to our everyday lives even, never mind on the world-scale. I get so angry at people for doing stuff that probably actually might make sense if I stop being so ego-centric and look at it from their point view. This is kind of an elementary concept, I'm aware...but I still like it. Everyone has their own story, and maybe if we took the time to learn other people's stories, the world would be a bit better.

Today I decided that nature understands music. I suppose nature created music...so why wouldn't it understand. Maybe nature is music...and I just haven't been listening to it enough lately. I don't know...it's just something I thought.

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P.S.

ps. I think I am a very confused girl

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what is beautiful

I feel like taking calculus has caused to to miss out on a lot of beauty, on a lot of art, and on creating a lot of things. Like it has drained me of creativeness...which it hasn't, but I just haven't been able to capitalize on anything creative lately. I have so many projects in my mind just waiting to be creative, I want to take pictures, I have missed connecting with people face to face. I have missed spares spent sipping iced tea and telling all. I feel that this course has encapsulated the entirety of my last semester of grade twelve, and, to some extent, I regret it. I'm sure I won't in the future, when I don't have to do it then, but right now I do. I wish I had done some stuff, no I wish I had done a lot of things differently in the past four months.

I have been craving a Stars concert as of late, and found out today they're coming on June 20. I am beyond excitement, but can't for surely go yet. I need to find out my work schedule first. Poop on work. It's so repressive. (?) I don't know if that makes sense... They just make me feel like everything is going to be ok. Listening to their music is like....I don't know, it's like listening to love. or the wind. or God even. It makes me feel like I can be a better person, like someone out there believes in me. It makes me feel powerful...not, like, evil powerful, but like I can make change happen. Their music strengthens my soul, and it sometimes feels like it is a part of me I've never met. It is amazing.

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cold sunburnt legs

I am wondering how I can be so different in certain situations. How, with some people I want to talk, I want to be the center of attention, I want them to notice me, and with others I feel like shrinking into a ball and dying. I am wondering why I can feel so many emotions at one time and why things seem so much less complicated when my brother lays the facts out for me. It's like whenever he tells me something, it just clicks in my mind and it's like, 'oh yeah, this is life, there aren't rules, there is freedom, you don't have to do anything if you don't want to.' Maybe that's why I'm scared to grow up, why becoming an adult seems so dauting. Because I am so rule-driven and I want expectations. I want someone to tell me that this is the way it SHOULD be, this is right and that is wrong. And although I do believe in right and wrong...to some extent...I am trying more and more to embrace this idea of freedom. That life will, in a few short weeks, cease to exist as I have ever known it before. I keep thinking that this means I should get a good grip on it and hold it like there's no tomorrow. But I think the best thing right now is to do the exact opposite. To let life go and follow its path. I need to allow my soul the opportunity to explore endless possibilities and to wander into unknown, and maybe scary or painful, territory. I've always let others do this letting go for me, but it's my turn now. I like that way of looking at things, and I think for my pattern-driven life, that's really what it is...more than other people running the show, they have been the ones that have let go for me. They've walked me through decisions, told me what the choices were, they looked at my life and decided what the options were. It's going to be good for me, this letting go. It's going to be great for me. My soul hasn't been able to explore very much as of late, and I think it will thank me.

I am wondering if maybe a lot of people's lives are like my body right now. I am littered with bruises on my right side only because of dragonboat...I only paddle on one side of the boat... I wonder if so many people get caught up with what they see and know that they go with only that in life. They do what they are expected to do, and go where they are expected to go, without exploring the other half of their life. Even when the side of their life that they know and feel comfortable with is bruised and has been beaten to near-death, they keep searching there when, in reality, there is oh so much more to find. So much more to discover and learn about and litter with well-earned bruises.

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