hydrocortisone cream

Things to write about...soon.

the outside influences that affect my decisions...my inner being, and my inner decisions. why do I care so much what people think?

bravery...

How I am lost in my own way. How one can be lost, even on a clearly marked, well trodden path. (Is this where I want to be?)

some other stuff I don't remember right now.

so tell me darling do you wish we'd fall in love? all the time. all the time.
*owl city

one of these days, you'll miss your train and come stay with me. we'll have drinks and talk about things and any excuse to stay awake with. you'll sleep here and i'll sleep there. but then the heating may be down again, at my convenience. we'd be good, we'd be great together.

say goodnight and go.
*imogen

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a silver ring gone bronze. catalysts. a hybrid. an alloy.

Easy conversations, there's no such thing
Your scent lingers on my clothes
Do exactly as I do
Lean your shoulders forward
If I did you would

Look into my eyes
And speak to me without words
Take a look at me

That night
When we shot porn stars
On the essence of my being
Dance, dance, dance
un
deux
trois
quatre
cinq
six a hundred times is fine
The uncovered mattress holds
The unspoken words between
Us

Oh keep me on your mind
You'll be the rhythm and I'll be the beat
You'll be the rhythm and I'll be the beat

You turned to me in the morning
Slowly, painfully
Relaying the message
Do exactly as I do

The moonlight in your bedroom illuminated
Our white bodies
but when I trip on my feet
We shed our skin
Like ghosts
Look at the beat
The way the sunshine leaves its mark
On my pigment-deprived skin
In case you would come walking
In case you change your mind
Move in and out of this world

Love in a symphony
Clothed in sweat
And lust
So keep me, keep it open
Everyone notices
I'm shy, shy, shy
Having troubles telling how I feel

I don't love you
Because if I did
We wouldn't be doing this

Let your heart meet mine

The words are, follow these instructions
Move your body closer
Words can never make up for what you do

Don't break yourself for me
Don't lose your selfish ways for me
I sleep with windows open
The words are written in the air
I sleep with eyes wide
Love is the harmony
Desire is the key
Love is the melody
Now wing it with me

I was a dancer all along
For you I go all blind
Keep on flunking out
Keep me wanting more
Look at the ground
The words are, written in the dust
Love, Love is the shoreline were you and I meet
And ocean breeze once whispered

In my ear to forget

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I still love milk chocolate

I wish I was brave and had as much love inside me as I imagine I do. Then maybe we could have parted the way I would have really liked. As I thought about you going to bed alone in the dark, I wish I would have come back and kissed you and told you that I would always love you too and that you would have been brave, and held me. But as I went to bed all I could think about was how you had hurt me, and that I wasn't sure my heart was ready to be dropped, yet again, and that I should really get to bed because I worked early...I guess I have more practicality and hardness inside me than I would like to imagine. I can't seem to decide if the happiness that comes with being free is worth the pain.

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my new day planner

The Land of Opportunity is a state of mind.

It is an openness to new ideas,
a willingness to listen,
an eagerness to learn,
a desire to g r o w,
and the flexibility to change.

It is where we live and work when we choose to see with new eyes,
live from our hearts,
allow ourselves and others to be who we truly are;
ourselves.

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natural factors

I am listening to a song called 'west coast friendship'. Today I went to hot yoga for the first time. It was hard. I was going to write a long detailed, heart pouring out post today (I haven't posted for so very long), but then I remembered something becki told me about 'the blogger mindset' society seems to have these days. And so I shall leave it at this (the list I wrote so I wouldn't forget everything I want to think about/clear up in my mind and heart):
summer
loneliness
disconnectedness
missing people
realizing your own destiny
following your dreams

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pure.mango.juice.

Today I gained a lot of respect for seafaring people. When I was out on the open ocean and the wind and water were spraying up into my face, I started wondering how they put up with that for months on end. I love it, don't get me wrong. It makes me feel so very alive when I am out there, I embrace the cold, and look into the wind, but I think I would tire of it. I think, eventually, I would want a warm bed. A bed that didn't rock or roll and a view other than the amazing waves and the horizon. These I think I would also, eventually, grow tired of, but right now they still make me feel connected to the earth, to nature. I love the way they roll, seducing anyone who dares watch for more than a few seconds. And then out of the water, just above the rolling mass of water, you will see a whale's blow (it actually reminds me of the way fungal puff balls spread their spores). And, slowly, the back surfaces. Today we saw one flipping and twisting, its tail out of the water, and flapping on the surface. These whales...they make me feel something...I am not quite sure what it is, but it is something. It's real and deep, though. Maybe it is a connection to earlier times, times when we respected them more. Maybe it is friendship; I often get the urge to jump into the water with them and swim away.
A little girl yesterday asked me if whales were my favourite animal. That made me smile because, frankly, I haven't thought about 'favourites' for a long time. But, maybe they are. I sure do love them. I love their mystery and their fragility. Their connection to the past, their, seeming, wisdom.
In one of Di Brandt's poems, there is a line; 'the whale inside you' the phrase is later repeated as 'the wail inside you'. But, she makes many a reference to whales as fragile parts of ourselves. Do I have one of these huge, magnificent beasts living inside? It sometimes feels like it.

Peace will come to all humankind when we make peace with the whales and hear their song.
*ancient prophecy brought to the west coast in 1988

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vitamin c in a bottle

What am I doing here? Although doubt has yet to completely take hold of me, this question has plagued me for a while here. It is not quite as I expected...but I know I just need to give it more time. I need to meet people my own age and get out of this house more. But it's hard. It's hard to be motivated to do things alone. I want a friend to come with me to the ocean so I can hold their hand and we can jump over waves together. I want someone to laugh with when I see all the cliche small town things. I want someone to hug.

I suppose I'm just spoiled. My whole life has been spent surrounded by people who love me and who I love. I am so lucky to have so many friends and people that I can hug and play with and laugh with. But it's hard, this solitude. It's very hard for me. Maybe because now I'm really having to take a good look at who I am, without these other people, or maybe it's just hard. I don't know.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
*Anais Nin

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