There are these groups that you can join, on a particular popular social network which will remain unnamed, where people vote for the prettiest girl. What is wrong with the world? There is so much more than what is on the outside....why do we feel constant need for affirmation that we are beautiful? When did this become a competition? Why can't we all just be beautiful, in our own way.

I just want to hug all of those beautiful Beautiful girls and tell them that they don't need that pressure. All they need to live up to is their own standards. I wish they knew that it doesn't matter what others say. If you can't be true to yourself, how are you ever going to be true to someone else?

When you see my face/I hope that you don't laugh/I'm not a film star beauty/I'll send a photograph/I hope that you don't laugh stars*

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the new grey skirt...

somehow I consistently manage to make the same mistakes in my life over. and over. and over again. I trust too much, or not enough. I plunge myself into the wrong things.....it seems like this is just a part of me. Maybe I should work at changing it, or perhaps it is better - for me, right now - to simply accept it and love it.

I am realizing that in order for so many things to start in my life, things that I almost desperately want to happen, I must learn who I am. Before I can feel some solidity in where I want my life to go I must accept who I am...not define it, because everyone is constantly changing and shifting and being influenced in the moment, but to realize what I like and what I don't like...to maybe just feel more confident in telling people who this person is....or in saying that I do not know who I am, but in telling people what I do know.

What do I know?

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barricade

What an interesting life I have....it's so normal, but often feels so complex. (oh how could anyone not want to rip it all apart/oh how could anyone not love your cold black heart). I think more and more I'm starting to actually believe that sometimes, sometimes, you can just let yourself experience things...that I do not need (there's only darkness at the finish/meet me at the barricade/I'll be at the barricade) to be in control of everything in my life. (the love died but the hate can't fade) I think...I hope that I am slowly learning to just let myself see things as they really are. To let myself see me as I really am. Maybe. Maybe for a moment, or a day, or an hour, maybe I feel so fully like myself, I just smile. I am starting to realize what I actually like doing...and perhaps this is the beginning of a very long journey to figuring out where I want my life to go, and it is a step on the path I began eighteen years ago to defining who I am.

I love to dance. Baths. I love drinking wine. Spending time with friends. I hate clubs. I love woolen socks. Clean rooms. Dirty rooms. Art........(in its entirety...music, paintings, photographs, fashion, sculptures....). I love helping people and I love to play in the rain. I love to scream and laugh.

I don't feel like doing that anymore. I want so much for myself that often I begin to focus so much on this that I forget to see others for who they really are, and what they need in their lives. The values of society have so corrupted our thinking that we always need more. Christmas disgusts me. The way it has transformed from a holiday of love to a holiday of unnecessary consumerism and selfishness and greediness. All I want to know is when the season of hope, of love, and peace became filled with hate and stress and suicide.

Why can't the ending be happy? Why must it always resolve this way? -Stars

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loud stomachs and the happy angel

Mmmmm here I am on the floor in my undies and a big shirt and I feel so incredibly content. Perhaps it is the absence of school in my life...or possibly the return of friendship, or the beginning of something new?? I do not know, and I do not need to know. This is something I'm learning...or maybe teaching myself. It seems that either my heart knows it and is trying to teach my head or maybe my head knows it and is trying to teach my heart. I get them mixed up much too often.

Even though there is so much to be done....before Christmas, before school starts, before tomorrow evening, before Monday,

it can wait.

It will still be there in a few minutes, or hours, or....days?

Today I learned about 'Love Language'. It's an interesting concept. Now I really want to know what mine is! I wonder if I can take a quiz...ha. If you do not know about it, look it up! It will be an adventure, I promise.

The dryer is going and I hear my whites tumbling with the little blue balls whose purpose I have momentarily forgotten.

I don't know where the sunbeams end and the starlight begins. It's all a mystery.
-Flaming Lips

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old pajamas and tired eyes

I do my thing

You do yours

I am not in this world

to live up to your expectations

And you are not in this world

to live up to my expectations

I am just myself and

You are just yourself

If by chance we should find each other

That is

A beautiful thing.

-Uncited

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twelvethirtyeightehem

It's strange...my attitude toward school. I want so badly to feel motivated and driven, but I just don't. I need a goal, I have no clue what I'm working toward anymore. I can't use marks as my motivation because they are a monster to me now. I hate how competitive I am. I am trying so hard to just love life...but it's still hard sometimes. I still sometimes just want to SCREEEEEEEAM. I am not sure how much longer I can deal with this. The idea that there is so much out there...and I can do anything....scares the hell out of me. I do not want to become one of those people who just does what is easy...I want to do things that are hard. I want to be challenged, I want to grow and change and build myself. I want to experience...things. Experience silence, connection, love, ......

I have started wondering how much of what I claim to be "me" is actually just something I have stated to be me...but really isn't. How much of it have I just been too stubborn to let go of. When did I stop being sure I wanted to be a teacher? When did I convince myself that certain things were important to me...why am I so concerned about certain things....And I think maybe this reality is where my fear and uncertainty begins. I feel such a need to be accepted by certain people. I will go to any lengths to create myself to fit into the mold that they have for me even though I hate the way it looks and it doesn't fit right.



....so listen up the sun hasn't set, I refuse to believe that it's only me feeling....I'm a slow motion accident lost in coffee rings and fingerprints I don't want to feel anything but I do.... -ff

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heureuse.

This weekend my sister and I went outside at about one in the morning and made snow angels in the fresh snow on other people's driveways. There's something almost sacred about being the first one in the snow....We spend an entire half hour walking around and didn't see one car. It was so lovely. I'm beginning to love these everyday moments, and this life that I seem to be living...even though it still feels foreign and wrong. It feels so good to allow myself to be happy. I think that really was the problem...I wasn't letting myself be happy. I created a happy facade that I was content to hide behind, where it felt comfortable and safe to be unhappy...like it was my little secret, but it doesn't have to be. I don't need to hold that secret. If I'm unhappy...I can be unhappy...and if I'm happy, I should be HAPPY.

I am feeling so calm and almost at peace with university right now. I actually am thinking I might come back next year....it's strange. I am no longer letting it take hold of me, I control the way I feel about it. It feels wonderful. I'm starting to make connections with people and enjoy the process of learning, and to appreciate where I am. Christmas break is so soon and I am beyond excited to see everyone...but also kind of scared. I want things to go so well and I have such a perfect, beautiful picture in my mind of what my Christmas break and time with friends will look like...but I need to keep in mind that it will be wonderful no matter what happens.

**thank you for the journey to this new day** (xr)

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