dear god,
I miss the ocean. And I miss my friends. I miss the way the air feels on my face and how I used to trust in you. So naively, yet so passionately. I miss living across the street from my friend and across the room from my best friend. I miss not knowing, not striving to know, the ugliness of the world.
love, me
I have been in such a terribly strange head space lately. Figuring life out is hard and weird and silly. Emily wants me to just let go and feel what I'm feeling. Sometimes I find myself doing this, and I love it, but it is really so terribly hard for me. I do believe that there is more than just feeling deeply to life. I just haven't quite figured out where it all fits yet.
So many times this week it has felt as though I am not living my life, like I'm watching some other person, this stranger, live it out for me. Or, on the flip side, as though someone else created my life for me; made all the decisions about how to get to this place, this confused and muddled place, and then left a space that was mim-sized. And here I am, living in a life from which I feel disconnected.
I've felt so unsure of myself recently. I don't know what's real or true......I have been void of poetry for so long it scares me. And because of this I avoid sitting down to write because I'm afraid that nothing will come.
And I did feel like coming but I also felt like crying/It doesn't seem so worth it right now
*Regina
"I dream of giving birth to a child who will ask 'Mother, what was war?' "
-Eve Merriam
tell me what you think tell me what you feel
is this a fake or is it for real
is it what you hoped for what you dreamed
is it something strange that you've never seen
does it lift you up closer to the light
does it send you raging into the night
where did it begin will it ever end
where the sun sets and the river bends
where the river bends is a place i've been
water's not as blue and the grass well it ain't so green
the current gets strong it can pull you down
you gotta swim hard if you want to turn around
but I don't want to go there baby not with you
I'm happy right here now I got a love that's true
so let's stay a while and invite our friends
no one needs to go where the river bends
no no no
no no no
no no no
I don't want to go there baby ever again
I'm going to be with you right here till the very end
so let's stay forever and ever and ever amen
no one needs to go where the river bends
Things to write about...soon.
the outside influences that affect my decisions...my inner being, and my inner decisions. why do I care so much what people think?
bravery...
How I am lost in my own way. How one can be lost, even on a clearly marked, well trodden path. (Is this where I want to be?)
some other stuff I don't remember right now.
so tell me darling do you wish we'd fall in love? all the time. all the time.
*owl city
one of these days, you'll miss your train and come stay with me. we'll have drinks and talk about things and any excuse to stay awake with. you'll sleep here and i'll sleep there. but then the heating may be down again, at my convenience. we'd be good, we'd be great together.
say goodnight and go.
*imogen
Easy conversations, there's no such thing
Your scent lingers on my clothes
Do exactly as I do
Lean your shoulders forward
If I did you would
Look into my eyes
And speak to me without words
Take a look at me
That night
When we shot porn stars
On the essence of my being
Dance, dance, dance
un
deux
trois
quatre
cinq
six a hundred times is fine
The uncovered mattress holds
The unspoken words between
Us
Oh keep me on your mind
You'll be the rhythm and I'll be the beat
You'll be the rhythm and I'll be the beat
You turned to me in the morning
Slowly, painfully
Relaying the message
Do exactly as I do
The moonlight in your bedroom illuminated
Our white bodies
but when I trip on my feet
We shed our skin
Like ghosts
Look at the beat
The way the sunshine leaves its mark
On my pigment-deprived skin
In case you would come walking
In case you change your mind
Move in and out of this world
Love in a symphony
Clothed in sweat
And lust
So keep me, keep it open
Everyone notices
I'm shy, shy, shy
Having troubles telling how I feel
I don't love you
Because if I did
We wouldn't be doing this
Let your heart meet mine
The words are, follow these instructions
Move your body closer
Words can never make up for what you do
Don't break yourself for me
Don't lose your selfish ways for me
I sleep with windows open
The words are written in the air
I sleep with eyes wide
Love is the harmony
Desire is the key
Love is the melody
Now wing it with me
I was a dancer all along
For you I go all blind
Keep on flunking out
Keep me wanting more
Look at the ground
The words are, written in the dust
Love, Love is the shoreline were you and I meet
And ocean breeze once whispered
In my ear to forget
I wish I was brave and had as much love inside me as I imagine I do. Then maybe we could have parted the way I would have really liked. As I thought about you going to bed alone in the dark, I wish I would have come back and kissed you and told you that I would always love you too and that you would have been brave, and held me. But as I went to bed all I could think about was how you had hurt me, and that I wasn't sure my heart was ready to be dropped, yet again, and that I should really get to bed because I worked early...I guess I have more practicality and hardness inside me than I would like to imagine. I can't seem to decide if the happiness that comes with being free is worth the pain.
Read more...The Land of Opportunity is a state of mind.
It is an openness to new ideas,
a willingness to listen,
an eagerness to learn,
a desire to g r o w,
and the flexibility to change.
It is where we live and work when we choose to see with new eyes,
live from our hearts,
allow ourselves and others to be who we truly are;
ourselves.
I am listening to a song called 'west coast friendship'. Today I went to hot yoga for the first time. It was hard. I was going to write a long detailed, heart pouring out post today (I haven't posted for so very long), but then I remembered something becki told me about 'the blogger mindset' society seems to have these days. And so I shall leave it at this (the list I wrote so I wouldn't forget everything I want to think about/clear up in my mind and heart):
summer
loneliness
disconnectedness
missing people
realizing your own destiny
following your dreams
Today I gained a lot of respect for seafaring people. When I was out on the open ocean and the wind and water were spraying up into my face, I started wondering how they put up with that for months on end. I love it, don't get me wrong. It makes me feel so very alive when I am out there, I embrace the cold, and look into the wind, but I think I would tire of it. I think, eventually, I would want a warm bed. A bed that didn't rock or roll and a view other than the amazing waves and the horizon. These I think I would also, eventually, grow tired of, but right now they still make me feel connected to the earth, to nature. I love the way they roll, seducing anyone who dares watch for more than a few seconds. And then out of the water, just above the rolling mass of water, you will see a whale's blow (it actually reminds me of the way fungal puff balls spread their spores). And, slowly, the back surfaces. Today we saw one flipping and twisting, its tail out of the water, and flapping on the surface. These whales...they make me feel something...I am not quite sure what it is, but it is something. It's real and deep, though. Maybe it is a connection to earlier times, times when we respected them more. Maybe it is friendship; I often get the urge to jump into the water with them and swim away.
A little girl yesterday asked me if whales were my favourite animal. That made me smile because, frankly, I haven't thought about 'favourites' for a long time. But, maybe they are. I sure do love them. I love their mystery and their fragility. Their connection to the past, their, seeming, wisdom.
In one of Di Brandt's poems, there is a line; 'the whale inside you' the phrase is later repeated as 'the wail inside you'. But, she makes many a reference to whales as fragile parts of ourselves. Do I have one of these huge, magnificent beasts living inside? It sometimes feels like it.
Peace will come to all humankind when we make peace with the whales and hear their song.
*ancient prophecy brought to the west coast in 1988
What am I doing here? Although doubt has yet to completely take hold of me, this question has plagued me for a while here. It is not quite as I expected...but I know I just need to give it more time. I need to meet people my own age and get out of this house more. But it's hard. It's hard to be motivated to do things alone. I want a friend to come with me to the ocean so I can hold their hand and we can jump over waves together. I want someone to laugh with when I see all the cliche small town things. I want someone to hug.
I suppose I'm just spoiled. My whole life has been spent surrounded by people who love me and who I love. I am so lucky to have so many friends and people that I can hug and play with and laugh with. But it's hard, this solitude. It's very hard for me. Maybe because now I'm really having to take a good look at who I am, without these other people, or maybe it's just hard. I don't know.
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
*Anais Nin
the moon is beautiful tonight. She's reminding us of hope. And connecting us in so many ways we will never know. I have learned to find so much hope in her light. when I look out my window and see her rising in the night sky, it overwhelms me with joy. Sometimes the joy feels sorrowful too....but it is definitely joy. She is the light rising through the darkness, the hope that you sometimes can't find. She is 'walking through the valley of death'. Every night donning her walking shoes and and braving reality, taking what seems like an endless abyss of black. darkness. and turning it into something beautiful. Some nights she hides, as we all do, behind clouds, wind, rain. But always she returns, still shining, cycling, changing.
The moon reminds me that I am a woman. And that this is something of which I am proud. She reminds me of the deep, beautiful connection I share with all other women. Looking at the moon sometimes makes me long for the days when all women were truly connected through the cycles of the moon...but now we all twirl alone, our connectivity lost through pollution, electric light, and stress. But her ability to connect, to inject our arteries with the pulse of mother earth, and to know that others, too, are sharing in this beat still remains.
Is that what we have to settle for these days? The things that still remain. Small, insufficient remnants of what once was a beautiful future. I hope not. And hope is all I can really do.
hope dangles on a string
like slow spinning redemption
winding in winding out
the shine of it has caught my eye
*dashboard
breaking
wind
breaking
skin
nose running and cheeks
burning
horns honk
sometimes mine
but usually not
usually at me
usually not yours
Beep beep beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeeeepp
it goes
beep?
i ask
looking for clarification
wanting to be let into the lane
in on the secret
and i see you
anger
shame
embarrassment
get out of the way!
get a light
why he can't just say it
i like you
and mean it
and mean it more than once
why he can't see me more than once
more than once and want it
why he can't want me again
want me again today and again tomorrow
and and and
why his hands call me baby
but his eyes call me friend
why he can('t) simply
be
happy.
I've spent a ridiculous amount of time writing biology cue cards today.
I wish I had a comfortable relationship full of love.
I'm realizing that maybe, like the mission statement of House Church, I should be happy 'going not knowing'.
I'm trying to find joy in the small things in life...making a good dinner, laughing with my Mum, sunshine.
Yet I feel unsatisfied with this...whether it is because I am simply someone who will never BE satisfied, or because I want to know what is real, what will make me feel truly happy, and that life really, truly is worth living. That MY life really, truly is worth living.
Who have I affected, changed. Who is different because of me? I write earlier that everyone affects everyone with whom they come in contact with...but if this is true, perhaps my quest, my longing for more, is even more meaningless. Perhaps this means that, no matter what, I will affect as many people in my life as the average white housewife living in upper middle class suburbia having an affair with the mailman.
I'm listening to a lot of Lily Allen recently...and she's making me think that maybe I should try to find happiness and joy simply in the little things in my life. And that I should stop taking life so seriously. What do all these little, insignificant things mean anyway? What do they matter, in the grand scheme of things? And who ever got to decide what is right and what is wrong...morally, even?
I am wondering how it is that I am affecting people. When my parents speak of me as a child, they speak of a balanced girl, a relaxed soul, one who wanted only a hug for Christmas. And I wonder who this beast is that the little girl has become. Who WANTS so much, who feels like the rope is constantly slipping through her fingers, who is anything but relaxed.
I feel like, so often, my stress, my preoccupation with school, with my own life, prevents me from really being able to listen to others, to their souls, to my soul, even. I think sometimes I get so caught up thinking that my life is so important and is really all that others need to know about, that I forget that they have their own lives, which I do not know, but they might want to share a small piece of it with me.
And the scary thing is....I often think the tiny piece of their life that I get to try, tastes better than mine.
You put your arm around my shoulder. It was as if the room got colder. We moved closer in together. And started talking bout the weather. Said tomorrow would be fun. We can watch A Place In The Sun. I didn't know where this was going.
When you kissed me.
Lily Allen*
Currently on a quick break from writing an English essay that is worth 15% of my mark. (AAAAAH!!!). It's not actually going that badly, and I kind of feel like writing right now. I really love the play I'm writing about, which makes it a lot more bearable than writing about the always exciting Casino Royale. I am wondering some things right now....although I feel quite content with the wondering. I feel at a very good stage in my life...that I am really LIVING. Even though my living right now consists mainly of reading text books and writing essays and memorizing french vocabulary words. I feel like the library at school should be renamed "Mim's room". But, the beautiful thing is, I'm okay with that.
I am wondering....if I really will ever find love, if it's okay to let people down. I wonder if life is meant to be lived the way I am living it, or if I am overlooking something monumental. I wonder if it's okay to just experience things and think later. I wonder where I will be in ten years...or two years...or one year, for that matter.
I have been repeating this mantra to myself today, and plan to continue at least until reading week:
"I am a strong and capable woman."
It's very empowering and helped me to get up this morning. It reminds me that I CAN do this...this school work, this life, this workout, this conversation....etc. etc. It helps me to keep in mind that nothing life throws at me will ever be too big or too deep or too hard. That the strength I possess, if I allow it to, will always, and has already, won. There is so much power inside of me that I have been ignoring for a while, and now I'm letting it out and it feels awesome.
Everyone's gone to the party, won't you come if I come with a friend for your friend. I'd be so pleased to see you out of the classroom wearing the smile I'll bring you. I was hoping to learn a few things.
Dashboard*
I want this...kind of...
Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else
I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved
Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get insecure
It doesn't matter anymore
It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved
I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls
Maroon Five*
The other night I was feeling so sad and tired and unenergized. And it surprised me how, after supper, I felt so rejuvenated. This is a strange thing to blog about, I guess...but whatever, it was awesome and so obvious. I felt physically nourished, because I had eaten, duh. But I also just was able to take those forty minutes and replenish the love in my heart, to remember that I live with people who care about me and who support me, who make me laugh and help me to see life with a much more realistic point of view. I've been thinking about this a lot for the past few days after that evening, and trying to notice it...and giving myself the freedom to just talk to people when I feel dejected and overwhelmed by homework, but getting up and stretching and giving my roommates hugs, and just lighting candles and incense and listening to a song or two. It's incredible what this does for my spirit, I almost always feel so much better and have a better attitude toward my stack of work.
I love how my life is right now....it feels so full of what it should be full of...passion and beauty, love, great friends, wine, school, books, tea......it feels so right. And what a wonderful feeling. It hasn't been here for quite some time, and I hope it decides to stay.
People don't hunger only for food. How easy that would be, so basic and crude. There's so much more you need just to help nourish you.
The Waifs *
